


Just say yes

by Arcangel19



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, M/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcangel19/pseuds/Arcangel19
Summary: All is as it is according to canon up to October 2020 except NO CALLUM. No Stuart either, and no ludicrous attempt to kill Keanu the previous Christmas. Oh, and Walford East is a much bigger restaurant. And I’ve taken a few liberties with Callum’s backstory. Okay, so this might be a bit canon divergent 😊.Ben is sent down for his part in the warehouse robbery and, in his absence, Callum arrives in Walford with his little backpack to take up the position of head chef at Walford East. And then, more than a year and a half later, Ben comes home ….
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 111
Kudos: 97





	1. The Tandoor

**Author's Note:**

> I was intending to write one of those angsty will they, won’t they stories that we all love so much but I think we all need a bit of TLC so I’ve written this instead.
> 
> Hoping to update daily xx

“It’s a tandoor, Ian.”

“Yes, I can see that,” Ian stated slowly, his impatience barely masquerading as patience. “What is it doin’ ‘ere in my restaurant?”

“Your tandoor restaurant,” advised Callum. “A tandoor restaurant has to have a tandoor.”

Ian’s restaurant, Walford East, had been delivering a mixed menu for some time. Ian called it fusion. Callum called it a mess. So, after a few months as head chef, he had nudged Ian and his business partners, Masood and Kathy (Ian’s mum), towards a clearer offer. Kathy also owned the local café so she was more than happy for chips and sandwiches to be removed from the restaurant’s menu. Masood and Callum favoured food from the North Indian and Pakistani tradition. It had easily been the most popular takeaway choice when the restaurant had to shut during the pandemic and it continued to be the most popular menu choice when they reopened. The result was that Ian had been convincingly outvoted. Walford East was to become a tandoor restaurant.

A faint smile graced Callum’s face today, his clear, blue eyes surveying his boss’s annoyance. Not a lot ruffled Callum and certainly not Ian Beale. His kitchen brigade wasn’t quite so relaxed. Iqra, his deputy (and Masood’s niece) and Frankie, the line chef, had lived through the screaming matches between Ian and the previous chef who’d lasted less than a month; Keegan, the poorly paid trainee chef, believed that Ian despised him, and Bobby, the almost unpaid kitchen assistant, was Ian’s son so … well, enough said.

Ian harrumphed his way out of the kitchen and Callum winked at the team. Or rather attempted to wink – closing one eye independently of the other had always challenged him, the resulting effect being a wonky blink. The kitchen gang all giggled.

“What is that, man? Is that a wink?” laughed Keegan, mimicking Callum but kindly as he loved working for him. Callum didn’t mind the ribbing. He’d spent years in the army and knew the difference between camaraderie and careless cruelty. He led the kitchen team with calm authority, understood food and cooking and handled Ian so that his nuisance was minimised. His team adored him.

“Okay gang, let’s get on. We all need to get good at using this so here we go. Your next tandoor tutorial is coming up.” They gathered round as he demonstrated how to make the tandoor bread. Iqra had seen it done many times but never by a white person. Frankie and Keegan had never seen it done and watched avidly; Keegan was delighted that he had fallen on his feet with this apprenticeship getting someone who knew as much as Callum and was a laugh as well. Bobby was a gentle soul and simply appreciated the calm that Callum brought wherever he went.

Meanwhile, Ian had taken his irritation to the bar and was busy berating his elder son, Peter.

“I spent good money sending you on that mixing course …”

“Mixology, dad,” corrected Peter, rolling his eyes at the other bartender, Jay, who smiled wryly.

“… and what have we got here? Drinks you could already make! They were on our old cocktail menu, weren’t they?”

“And now we know how to make them properly.” Peter sighed internally at Ian’s persistent interference. He’d agreed to run the bar at Walford East not be micro-managed by his dad. They were introducing their new menu that evening, to coincide with the new food menu; today was all about the final checks and what he needed right now was for Ian to move on and bother someone else so that they could get on with what they were doing. Jay generally only worked in the evening as he co-owned a used car sales business that occupied him during the day, so Peter wanted to make the most of having him there for a rare lunchtime.

“Come on Ian. There’s some new stuff on there as well,” protested Jay. Ian waved his arms dismissively at Peter and Jay and gestured imperiously for the head waiter, Simon, to join him at one of the tables. It was their usual practice on a Tuesday lunchtime to go through staffing for the week. Like Callum and Peter, Simon didn’t need Ian’s assistance but, like Callum and unlike Peter, he patiently bore the oversight. Pulling up the rota on his computer, he turned the machine towards Ian.

“Good,” approved Ian, scanning over the table on the screen. The waiting staff were a solid team. There were three experienced waitresses, Ruby, Whitney and Lola, one of whom was on for the lunch service and two for the dinner service, then three newer staff, Dotty, Bernie and Tiffany who took the shifts in turn. The restaurant was closed on a Monday as well as Tuesday lunchtime and Sunday evening. That the waiting staff were all women bothered Simon slightly as he felt there was some sexism in play if the bar staff were all men and the waiting staff were all women; Ian had disregarded this concern as “millennial hokum”, effectively earning Simon’s contempt.

“Are they all coming in for the tasting lunch?” asked Ian. Callum insisted that the waiting staff knew the dishes and whenever there was a new menu, there was a Tuesday tasting lunch. Simon nodded.

“They are. I’m just going to make sure I’m a bit ahead with the new menus,” he said, standing up. He couldn’t bear to spend much time with Ian. “Anything else you need from me before I do that?” Ian shook his head.

“Just tell Peter to bring me a coffee,” he instructed as Simon headed towards the kitchen.

There was an open window between the restaurant and the kitchen and, looking out from this, Iqra saw Simon approaching.

“Silky Simon incoming, Callum,” she warned, observing Callum’s subsequent grimace.

“Okay,” he sighed heavily. “You lot can get on with practising the tandoor bread. He’ll want to go through the new menu again so I’ll do that with him out there.”

Callum couldn’t understand why Simon couldn’t wait for lunch to learn about the new menu. He did understand that it was probably a ruse for Simon to get some time on his own with him. Feeling despondent that he was yet again to be put in the position of keeping Simon at arm’s length, he pushed through the kitchen door. Indicating the nearest table, he sat down and Simon sat opposite him, bestowing a hopeful smile.

“Good day off?” he asked. “What did you get up to?” Callum felt the prickles of irritation start.

“Had a date on Sunday evening,” he admitted. “Saw him again yesterday lunchtime,” he lied. “He’s great. Might turn into something.” Another lie. The date had been a disaster and Callum knew it was to do with him. Splitting from Chris all those years ago had been heart-breaking and every man that Callum met was measured by his Chris barometer. Everything had been so straightforward with Chris. They just clicked: conversation was easy, confidences were shared, declarations of love were exchanged. Callum carefully avoided thinking about catching Chris in bed with someone else. He preferred to remember when it had been fun. On the Chris good-times-only barometer, Sam from Sunday had not come close to warm and Simon was positively freezing. He was too smooth. Silky Simon.

Simon’s face fell at the news Callum was dating. “Oh, well, yeah … yeah, that’s … that’s good,” he stammered, retreating to safer ground. “So talk me through the menu.” He was fully aware that Callum wasn’t interested in him and was beginning to get the message that this was never going to change. It was time to start looking for another job to put some distance between him and the object of his desire. But now Callum was talking food and his eyes were shining and his smile lit up his face. Even with his whites on over ugly, baggy trousers and comfortable shoes, a small cap covering his luscious hair, he was breathtakingly attractive. Simon felt himself falling all over again.

Callum escaped as soon as he could back to the kitchen. The waiting staff were due any minute and he wanted the food to be ready. He had complete faith in his team; they were very capable and worked exceptionally well together. Today was fine as they were only feeding the staff and Kathy, so sixteen altogether, but the restaurant had ninety seats. It was usually fully booked and Callum knew, for a restaurant that big, the kitchen was extremely busy. Ian insisted that he could step in if they were especially busy so wasn’t inclined to hire another line chef, frustrating Callum greatly, not least because Ian did not slot into the team and had a habit of disappearing mid-service. He resolved to revisit the idea of using the staff more flexibly with his miserly boss.

“How was the bread?” he asked.

“Delicious,” exclaimed Keegan, offering a bite to Callum to taste.

“Yeah, you’re right. Tastes spot on. Good job, guys,” he beamed at his team, making them all buzz with pride and pleasure. “Let’s get everything ready to go.”

A sudden increase in the noise level announced the arrival of the waiting staff team who all piled through the door together with Kathy following behind.

“How’s your head, Whit?” asked Peter, laughing as Whitney collapsed onto a chair and immediately poured herself a glass of water. As they were all off on a Monday, it had become their habit to go out together either doing something for the day or going out in the evening or, sometimes, both. Yesterday had been an evening out and Whitney had drunk a lot resulting in Callum practically carrying her back to her house. Simon looked disgruntled.

“You all went out? It wasn’t on the WhatsApp,” he complained. “Was it?”

“Oh that would ‘ave been a better idea,” said Lola disingenuously. “We agreed it on Sunday and shared out who was going to let who know. Hang on … you were in on Sunday and we talked about it. Don’t you remember?” It was an award worthy act. The truth was that they all knew Simon was carrying a torch for Callum and Callum had started to drop out of their outings because it was making him feel awkward, so they had conspired to leave Simon out. Childish, they all knew it, but Simon’s behaviour was excluding Callum so … it was fair, wasn’t it?

“No I don’t remember that,” sulked Simon, suspicious that they had left him out on purpose. The sooner he got away from these people, the better. Callum had not been involved in the subterfuge but still felt a twinge of guilt. He didn’t want to act like a twelve year old and, in pulling out of socialising with the Walford East crowd, he had let himself down. Surely he and Simon could manage a night out in the same place?

Soon, they were all tucking into the food. Callum was as bossy as usual, refusing to let it be a free for all and instructing them in what they could try and what flavours they should be identifying. The waiting staff concentrated and made notes, knowing that this was their chance to learn how to recommend dishes to customers. Callum hadn’t just improved how the kitchen ran, his impact on the waiting staff was equally significant. If Ian had been a more generous man, he would have let Callum know how impressed he was with him.

“Are we having cocktail tasting as well?” asked Ruby, picking up the new bar card. Whitney looked at her in horror, unable to contemplate the thought of more alcohol.

“Oh yes,” said Jay, bringing forward a tray of tiny paper cups. “We’ve just done six for now. If you try all six, that’ll be equivalent to one full drink so you should be fine for service tonight.” The note pads came out again and Peter took over from Callum. He was especially keen to get their verdict on his signature cocktail.

“It’s designed to follow dinner, so it would be something to suggest when they’re wondering what to have as a nightcap maybe or it might be that it’s a dessert substitute which is why it’s quite sweet. What do you think?”

“Are you supposed to have just one?” asked Frankie. “I could drink LOTS of these.”

“Me too,” agreed Ruby, licking the inside of her paper cup causing Jay and Peter to stare. “Oops, does that look a bit rude?” she giggled as they looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

“I don’t drink alcohol,” said Iqra, “but I want a virgin version of that.” Peter jumped up and went to the bar to experiment soon returning with a few samples which he gave to Iqra and Bobby, while the team discussed suitable names for Peter’s cocktail, getting all of the unsuitable names out of the way first with much hilarity. Callum had never been part of a group like this where the friendship was so strong and he loved it. Even Ian looked happy.

“You’re quiet today, Nan,” said Bobby, sidling up to sit close to Kathy. She smiled at him fondly.

“Yeah, a bit,” she confessed. “It’s Ben’s parole hearing today.” There was sudden quiet as everybody leaned in to listen. Everybody except Callum and Simon who did not know Ben.

“Who’s Ben?” asked Callum.

“My other son,” said Kathy, a note of softness creeping into her voice. Callum looked at her surprised to hear it. He liked Kathy a lot. They had bonded over the redevelopment of the restaurant and often ganged up together against Ian when he was being ridiculous. But Callum had never witnessed any softness between them so he was interested that Ben provoked this reaction from Kathy.

“I didn’t know you had a brother,” he remarked, addressing Ian. “You’ve never mentioned him. Not once.”

“Half-brother,” said Ian, giving his mum a questioning look when she glared at him furiously. “He is Phil Mitchell’s son,” he added. Callum was none the wiser.

“His dad is involved in dodgy stuff,” explained Kathy, still throwing daggers at Ian. “He got Ben involved in a warehouse robbery. Only, Ben got caught and has been in prison for a year and a half.”

“Mum, Ben knew what he was gettin’ into,” objected Ian. Bobby and Peter stared at him disbelievingly.

“Dad, you know Phil has a hold on him,” said Peter, disapprovingly. “And you know Ben is not a bad person.”

“So when is Uncle Ben coming home?” questioned Bobby, betraying a hopefulness and a clear fondness for his uncle.

“We’ll find out in two weeks then I think it’s two weeks after that.” Kathy was clearly distracted and worried so, sympathising with her, Peter sat on the other side of her and both he and Bobby slid arms around her.

“He might not even get out,” said Ian bluntly.

“Dad!” protested Bobby and Peter simultaneously as Kathy shook her head crossly.

The conversation about Ben continued and Callum quickly picked up that there were mixed views about him. Jay and Lola were related to him somehow, Ruby and Frankie were very positive about him, Whitney was wary, Iqra was neutral and Dotty, Tiffany and Keegan thought he was bad news.

“He sounds like someone to keep away from,” remarked Simon.

“You wouldn’t be able to keep away from ‘im,” snapped Lola. “One flash of his sexy smirk and yer legs’d be jelly.”

“He’s gay?” asked Callum.

“Yeah,” confirmed Lola. “It’s another way that Phil makes him feel like he’s not good enough.” She paused then, seemingly having a silent conversation with Jay. “He is gay but … he’s also Lexi’s dad. We were sixteen and he was … checking.” Callum had met Lola’s nine year old daughter Lexi a few times. She was a bundle of energy and sass and very funny.

“Ben and me were brought up as brothers,” added Jay. “But Phil is bad news an’ I keep me distance. As much as I can. It’s harder for Ben bein’ his actual son.”

“Wait,” said Callum, trying to do some mental maths. “He’s Ian’s brother and he’s your brother? How old is he?”

“Same as me,” said Lola, “Twenty-six.” Callum had been visualising a man in his forties, perhaps looking like Ian, and quickly revised his imaginings to be of a sexy, cute man in his twenties. Much more pleasing. Lola fished out her phone and, flicking through some photos, found one that she liked and showed it to Callum. He looked at the photo of a handsome, smiling man, with bright, blue eyes, and Lexi grinning adoringly up at him. Simon looked over his shoulder.

“Not really my type,” he commented.

“Oh come on,” scoffed Callum. “He’s definitely a swipe right.” He grinned at Simon making him squirm a little and causing everybody else to laugh at his discomfort. Callum handed the phone back to Lola. “Seriously, that’s a lovely photo of him and Lexi.” Lola smiled and moved away to chat with Kathy.

“What are his chances?” she asked her.

“Good, I’m told,” replied Kathy. “But probably best not to mention it in front of Lexi until we hear a proper decision.”

“Course not,” agreed Lola. “She keeps on about visiting him in prison but Ben won’t ‘ave it.”

“It’s my biggest worry,” fretted Kathy. “He’s so ashamed. Prison three times. He doesn’t want it to be who he is. He wants to turn it around, but that means keeping out of Phil’s reach and how is he going to do that?”

“I’ve talked to him,” said Jay. “We’ve got the car lot which’ll keep ‘im busy durin’ the day. But while he’s been away, we’ve all started workin’ ‘ere after losing work durin’ the pandemic, and it’s like a big group of friends. Is ‘e gonna feel like ‘e’s got no-one?”

They all looked thoughtfully at Ian.

“Er, no!” stated Ian, knowing exactly what they were suggesting. “We don’t need any more staff.”

“Actually you might do,” said Simon, walking in on the conversation. “I’m going to move on. It’s a month’s notice, isn’t it?” He’d been irked by Callum’s interest in some criminal he’d never met and was tired of hoping that one day Callum would see him. Not being invited to the drinks yesterday spelled it out clearly for him – he didn’t fit in here. And as soon as he started to think that, he began to be profoundly irritated by the waiting staff team with their inane commentary and raucous giggling. Time to go.

“Oh!” Ian was clearly surprised. “Do you want to wait until you’ve got another job?”

“No,” insisted Simon. “I’m going.”

“Oh, okay then.” Ian looked at him for a moment, his expression unreadable, then turned to Kathy. “Ben has no experience. Simon’s job should go to Ruby.” If Simon had any doubts, the speed at which his job was re-allocated dispelled them. He moved away and retrieved his things from the cloakroom. Nobody noticed him leave.

Callum watched the intense conversation going on between the Beales, Jay and Lola.

“Don’t forget Ben Mitchell is family to them,” murmured Whitney, appearing by Callum’s side. “He’s had a tough time with Phil as ‘is dad an’ … other things … but he ain’t no angel.”

“It’s true,” said Dotty. “All sorts of stuff goes on at The Arches. I worked there for a while.” Callum noticed, not for the first time, that Dotty was slightly on the outside of things, often making comments that went largely ignored. Maybe it was because she never had anything particularly positive to say. Ruby, Bobby and Peter seemed to like her but Callum could see the rest weren’t too sure.

“No he ain’t no angel,” agreed Ruby, “but where would the fun in that be? He is a right laugh on a night out.” Frankie laughed and nodded her agreement.

“How’re you friends with him Frankie?” asked Callum curiously. Most of this crew were from Walford, but Frankie was from Canning Town like him.

“He’s deaf,” said Frankie. “Like me but not like me. He had meningitis when he was a baby causing hearing loss in one ear and then a head injury a couple of years ago caused almost total hearing loss. He wears a cochlear implant to help him hear. He can hear quite well with it.”

Callum was intrigued.


	2. Held

Simon’s last month went quickly, especially as it worked out to be only three weeks as he took a week of holiday that he was due. Ruby was promoted to head waiter and Ben, following his successful application for parole, was taken on as a floating member of staff, sometimes on the waiting staff team, sometimes behind the bar, sometimes in the kitchen.

On his first day, Ben sauntered into the restaurant wearing black ankle skimming trousers, a black t-shirt, and black slip ons. Callum had just arrived and hadn’t yet changed into his chef wear so he was wearing his usual skinny jeans and nerdy t-shirt and was chatting to Jay near the bar. He spotted Ben straightaway and was immediately taken aback with how sexy he was. The photo had not captured that.

“Bruv!” exclaimed Jay, striding forward to envelop Ben in a big hug.

“Alright, alright,” laughed Ben. “You did see me yesterday.” He looked over Jay’s shoulder at Callum, cheeky baby blues roaming down and up, resting briefly on the t-shirt and then settling on Callum’s eyes. He extricated himself from Jay and walked towards Callum, maintaining eye contact all the way.

“Ben Mitchell,” he announced, sticking a firm hand towards Callum.

“Callum Highway,” he smiled, grasping Ben’s hand. Ben’s eyes widened slightly. Not that he was going to give it away, this gorgeous, goofy guy was right up his street.

“I’m head chef,” said Callum, not wanting to assume that anybody had said anything about him.

“Hmm,” hummed Ben, flashing his eyes flirtatiously. “I’m general dogsbody.” Callum saw a flicker of uncertainty pass over Ben’s face before the confident mask was back on.

It was all pretence. The confidence, the swagger and the flirting were costing Ben a lot to fake because he wasn’t feeling confident at all. His time inside had been hard. He’d done what he’d had to in order to survive which had meant cosying up (literally) to a crew who would watch his back. It was a case of submitting to abuse to avoid worse abuse and now he doubted that he would ever be able to have sex again. So the flicker of attraction that had appeared when meeting Callum was a precious lifeline to himself. He may be feeling dead on the surface and a long way below that but this small moment told him that he was still alive.

His family were delighted to have him home and he was supposed to be happy. And he was. And he wasn’t. If he was truly honest, he had few good reasons for living but the big one was Lexi.

“She’s only nine. I’ve been inside for half her life, and ignored her for most of the other half,” he said to Lola one day, despairing about how much he’d missed. He wanted to turn his life around and the main thing he wanted to get right was being Lexi’s dad.

Lola knew she was part of the reason that Ben’s access to Lexi had been limited; Phil had played a part in that as well. But three years ago, she and Ben had decided to bring up Lexi together and it had been going well, fantastically well … and then the warehouse robbery had happened.

“She adores you Ben. You’re a great dad,” Lola reassured him.

The first part was certainly true and so far Ben had cried himself to sleep every night with the overwhelming nature of Lexi’s unconditional love. His days were simple. Breakfast with Lexi, the car lot for a couple of hours, lunchtime at the restaurant, back to the car lot for a couple more hours, then back home for tea, playing with Lexi and carrying out the bedtime routines. Lola did all the school runs – Ben wasn’t ready to face the playground scrutiny just yet - and did mainly evenings at the restaurant. He, Lola and Lexi were sharing the attic space at Ian’s which was one room and a landing where Ben had his small bed. Lola and Lexi had moved out of Phil’s as soon as Ben was sent down and Kathy had insisted that Ian give them a home; it left Phil alone in his big house but nobody wanted to live with him after his careless attitude towards Ben. The living situation was less than ideal but Ben was too low to want more. Sometimes Lola stayed at her grandad’s house as she had more privacy there; she was seeing some dude called Isaac, a teacher no less. She and Ben knew that they would have to address the situation soon but for now they were fine living in the Beales’ house.

Ian’s house and Phil’s house were both on Albert Square. It was also where all the restaurant staff lived. From Ben’s landing, there was a small window from which he could see Callum’s flat. He saw him once going in there with a bloke and was grateful for the small stab of jealousy he experienced, proof that he was surviving in there somewhere. He wondered if Callum was the loving type, the kind of man that held you close afterwards and was still holding you when you woke up in the morning. He seemed like it. A fresh fit of despair would engulf Ben after such thoughts as that kind of life seemed so out of reach.

Eventually, Kathy called time on the isolation.

“You need to get out Ben. The Walford East lot go out on Mondays. So Monday is goin’ to be MY night with Lexi and you’re goin’ to go out.”

Ben had been working at the restaurant for a couple of months by now. He loved the waitresses with their endless chatter and bitching about Ian, to which he could definitely relate. Ian was an arse. They pleaded with him to join them for Monday drinking but he told them he wanted to focus on Lexi and they completely understood why she would be his priority. His easy charm with customers worked a treat behind the bar although being there made him feel especially short working alongside his giant nephew; Ben was five nine but Peter was six four. His favourite time, however, was in the kitchen. Callum was so positive that it felt like an oasis of calm in there, somewhere he could breathe and think clearly. Bobby was a bag of nerves and it warmed Ben’s heart to see how gentle Callum was with his vulnerable nephew.

The three of them were finishing cleaning up at the end of service one Sunday when Callum made them all a hot chocolate and ushered them outside to sit in the sunshine. It was a warm June day and the odd choice of drink made Ben smile; he liked Callum’s unassuming quirkiness.

“How’re ya doin’ Bobby?” Callum asked as they sat on the step outside the back door of the restaurant. Ben was surprised at the direct question but, interested in the answer, he sipped his drink and kept quiet.

“Yeah, good. I like working in the kitchen. I like Uncle Ben, Lola and Lexi in our house. It’s good. I know it can’t stay like that ‘cause Ben hasn’t got a bedroom but I like it for now.”

Ben should have worried a bit more about the direct questioning.

“And how’re you doing, Ben? How’re you adjusting?” asked Callum. Bobby tipped his head to the side to watch Ben reply and Ben realised he wasn’t going to be able to obfuscate.

“I … er … yeah, good as well. I guess not always,” he muttered, glancing at Bobby knowing that his nephew had caught him weeping on at least one occasion. He grabbed Bobby’s hand, needing the connection. “Adjustin’ is tough,” he said. “I’m tryin’ to focus on Lexi but, well, to be good for her, I need to focus on myself a bit.” Bobby put an arm around Ben’s shoulders and kissed the side of his head. Ben felt a surge of love for his young nephew and, emotions overcoming him, he started to cry. He’d been crying at the drop of a hat lately.

“And you Callum? How’re you doing?” he redirected, wishing the tears would stop filling his eyes. Callum reached across and wiped them away with his thumbs, smiling sympathetically at Ben. They held eye contact for a moment.

“I like my work. I like my friends at work. I’m trying dating again but, well, my heart hasn’t been in it. My studio flat is cramped and, if I’m honest, when I’m there I feel … I don’t know, lonely, I suppose.” He smiled winningly at Ben and Bobby. “But right now, sitting with you guys, I’m as far from lonely as you get.”

They sat peacefully for a few minutes knowing that there weren’t always immediate solutions and that was okay.

“So mum has said she’s havin’ Lexi on Mondays,” announced Ben brightly, confident he finally had his tears under control, “which means tomorrow I’m joining you lot. What are we doing?” Ben had a sudden inkling that he might look forward to the night out.

“Ten pin bowling,” laughed Bobby.

“Why is that funny?” asked Callum, confused by Bobby’s giggling.

“’Cause Ben is the worst ten pin bowler of all time,” he spluttered.

“Of all time?” objected Ben, mock indignation in full play. “I’m bad, okay, I’ll give you that, but of all time?” He looked at Callum suspiciously. “I bet you’re really good at it. Look at his hands Bob, they’re huge.” He got hold of one of Callum’s hands and held his own up against it, palm to palm. His hand looked childlike in comparison.

“Wow, you have got big hands,” said Bobby, still giggling. “What’s the saying? Big hands, big …?”

“Bobby!” Ben burst out laughing. “It’s not true anyway.”

“How do YOU know? I might be enormous,” teased Callum, joining in with the banter.

“Now there’s a lovely thought,” chuckled Ben, gleefully watching Callum’s face redden. “I meant the opposite isn’t true - that small hands would mean … oi, shut up, you two!” Callum and Bobby were creased in two they were laughing so hard. Ben was in the middle and a welcome sense of being safe and loved came over him then, all of a sudden, he was crying again. This time both Callum and Bobby put an arm around him and kissed his head, one on each side.

“I’m alright, don’t worry,” he sobbed, wondering if he was ever going to be alright.

+++

At the bowling alley, they got two lanes next to each other and the girls quickly decided they were going to play against each other, so girls in one lane, boys in the other.

“Noooo!” complained Ben, foreseeing complete humiliation.

“Oh of course,” laughed Ruby. “You’re REALLY bad at this, aren’t you?” The women had a little discussion and decided to take pity on Ben, organising the teams more randomly. Ben was secretly pleased he was still with Callum. He liked being around him.

About halfway through, Ben had his go, adding one to his score, and as he returned to his seat, he looked at the happy, smiling faces and he tried to recall the last night out he’d had, realising, almost in a panic, that he couldn’t remember anything. Unsure of why it was freaking him out, he took a sip of his beer and tried to steady himself, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

“Where’d ya go?” asked a quiet voice next to him. Callum.

“It’s my first night out in a while,” Ben said, looking at Callum seriously. “I just need a bit of time.” Callum nodded and reached up, running his hands through Ben’s hair. It was a beautiful expression of sympathy and support.

“Take yer time,” said Callum, smiling before standing up for his turn. Ben watched him go, admiring his strong physique. He had a classic, graceful bowling action and, of course, got a strike. As he turned, he caught Ben watching and winked at him. Well, it wasn’t so much a wink as a lopsided blink. Ben was conscious that Keegan and Iqra burst out laughing next to him and worried for a second that he’d had a soppy look on his face.

“It’s his wink,” Keegan explained to Ben. “He insists on doin’ it but he can’t do it, can he? It kills us when he tries it!”

By the second game, Ben had managed to suppress his inclination to watch Callum constantly and was moving around and talking to everybody. Lola wasn’t there this evening, but Jay, Ruby and Frankie were; they had always been close friends of his. They wanted to know how he was and he was able to say honestly that he was feeling a little better for being out tonight. He told Frankie about his trouble in prison with his implant.

“It made me vulnerable, harder than being deaf, so I didn’t have it on much,” he confessed. He didn’t tell her how difficult it was being deaf in prison and what he’d had to do to cope. There was always such a relief talking to Frankie using signing and he thought about how much he’d missed her. She was his only deaf friend. Pulling him into a hug, she held him tight and, for a moment, he let go and allowed himself the comfort.

He also talked to Keegan and Bernie which was a conversation long overdue. Their brother Keanu and Ben’s sister Louise had been together for a time a few years ago. They even had a daughter, Peggy, so Ben, Bernie and Keegan shared a niece. But it had transpired that Keanu had been having an affair with Sharon, Phil’s wife, Ben’s and Louise’s step-mum, and they also had a child. Louise and Sharon were pregnant at the same time. Sharon and Keanu had planned to run away together but then Sharon’s older son Denny died in a tragic accident. Terrified of Phil and rejected by Sharon, Keanu had fled. The Taylors, Bernie’s and Keegan’s family, blamed the Mitchells for this.

“We ain’t got no beef wiv you, Ben,” said Keegan. “It’s yer dad an’ maybe Louise we ‘ave a problem wiv.”

“Fair enough,” said Ben, determined not to take on any Mitchell battles. Phil had wanted Keanu dead and Louise didn’t bother keeping in touch with the Taylors regarding Peggy so maybe they had reasons to be aggrieved.

“Makin’ nice with everyone, ain’t ya?” commented Whitney when he sat next to her and her sister Tiffany.

“We were friends once Whit. I ain’t all bad,” he responded, making sure he was making proper eye contact with her. He liked Whitney a lot and wanted to re-establish their friendship.

“I know,” she replied, slipping her hand through his arm and moving closer. She missed her friendship with Ben as well. “Everyone finks you were at that warehouse to prove sumfin to yer dad. You weren’t in a good way wiv havin’ lost all yer ‘earin’.”

“Yeah, it was partly that,” agreed Ben. “But I heard he was goin’ to be double-crossed so I went to make sure ‘e had support.”

“Thing is Ben,” said Whitney sagely, “none of them reasons is anyfin to do wiv robbin’ a warehouse. Yer not a bad person and yer dad let ya take the rap. ‘E’s a terrible person and a worse dad!”

“I know,” Ben nodded sadly. “But I still love ‘im.” Whitney rested her head on his shoulder and he rested his head on hers. “We friends again?” he asked.

“Always, Ben Mitchell, ya soddin’ nightmare!” she smiled. Tiffany watched. She’d known Ben almost her whole life but he’d always seemed so out of control. As she got older, the age gap was effectively diminishing and she could see he wasn’t quite so scary and perhaps she needn’t be so wary of him. She’d always wondered if he might be her sort of person with his love of singing and dancing. If Whitney was alright with him - and given the way they were cuddling, it looked like she was - then Tiffany was as well.

Dotty was hanging out mainly with Peter and Bobby. She didn’t like Ben and had no intention of trying to get to know him but she was a smart girl and could see that she was on her own thinking that. So she smiled sweetly when he was near. Ben saw right through her act. He couldn’t think of a reason why she hated him but her dad had been a thoroughly nasty piece of work and Ben knew how much that could mess with your head. He was running with the theory that she was deeply unhappy. And the only thing he could do about that was be kind to her so that was what he would do.

At the end of the evening, they all piled onto the tube to go home. Ben stood next to Callum. He couldn’t help himself, he was a little drunk and he wanted to be next to him.

“Good night?” asked Callum. Ben looked at him.

“Yeah. Apart from my shit bowling obviously.”

“It’s about the fun not the scores,” said Callum. “Luckily for you,” he added cheekily.

“Oi!” objected Ben, playfully nudging him in the stomach. Which was as hard as a board. Ben felt an urge to press himself up close to that gorgeous body. He resisted but the thought had sent a thrill coursing through him. The fact that he could still think like that excited him.

Back at Albert Square, they all headed to Ruby’s. She had her own house having been left some money by her dad and it was a great place to hang out. She used to have a nightclub as well but her ex-husband and his ex-wife (the one before Ruby; he’d been married three times) fleeced her out of a huge amount of money and she’d had to sell. Twelve people in the small lounge was a squeeze but they made it work. Ben sat on the floor resting up against Callum’s legs and, when he felt Callum’s fingers in his hair for the second time that evening, he leant back and enjoyed it. It was so soothing that he fell asleep.

When he woke, Callum and Ruby were the only ones left in the room with him.

“Hi Ben,” murmured Ruby, kneeling next to him and gently coaxing him out of his slumber. “You awake? You looked so peaceful we didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Everyone else has gone home,” Callum told him as he looked around still blearily confused. “You good to go?”

Ben nodded and pushed himself to standing, turning round to give Callum a hand up.

“Are your legs dead where I was lying on ‘em?” he asked. Callum tested them, holding onto Ben as the blood returned to his legs.

“Yeah a bit.”

“I’ll walk ya home then,” offered Ben. Ruby watched, amused. This – Callum and Ben – was a matter of time. She could feel the attraction between them.

“Okay, off ya go boys,” she smiled, pushing them out of her front door. “I’ll see ya tomorrow … or today actually as it’s three in the morning.”

Callum and Ben, arms around each other, made their way around the square. At the top of the steps up to Callum’s front door, Ben stopped.

“That’s the first time in a couple of years I’ve fallen asleep happy,” he said. “Thank you.”

“Ben.” Callum said his name so softly, it was almost just a breath. “Come in. Sleep with me. Just sleep. You need to be held.”

Ben held his gaze.

“I’m not … I can’t …” He couldn’t find the words. Callum’s offer was heartfelt and generous and he wanted more than anything to accept. The thought of a night spent held in Callum’s arms was almost unbearably tempting.

“It’s okay,” Callum smiled, and leaned over Ben, wrapping his long arms around his back and resting his head against Ben’s, noses nuzzling necks. Ben moved into the embrace, desperately memorising the feel and smell of Callum, so that, later, he could revisit this moment. Callum was right – he did need to be held – but he’d set the bar higher now and had decided that he wasn’t going to indulge in hook ups ever again. It would be ridiculous to give in to the first temptation. He wanted to feel safe and secure, to know that his lover knew the best and the worst of him and cared about his happiness. He wanted to be loved.

It could be with Callum. He could feel it as they stood holding onto each other, the beginnings of a connection, bodies fitting together as though they knew each other. Ben couldn’t let go. Callum couldn’t let go. So they stood for several minutes, holding each other and thinking their own thoughts.

“I want to get to know you Callum,” Ben whispered.

“Same,” murmured Callum, reluctantly letting go. He cupped Ben’s face in his giant hand and looked like it was everything he could do not to kiss him. Ben turned his face to kiss the hand.

“G’night Callum,” he said, and he walked down the steps.

Callum sat on the top step, watching Ben cross the square. They had something; he was sure of that. Every time Ben came near him, it was like a klaxon going off in his head, all his senses on high alert. Nobody had ever made him feel like that not even Chris. He could see Ben was broken and damaged. It didn’t matter to Callum. He himself was broken and damaged, he just covered it up more than Ben. He was certain it wouldn’t matter to Ben.

He continued watching until Ben reached the back gate of his house at which point he turned and looked straight back at Callum and smiled. It was dark and too far away for Callum to see but, nonetheless, he knew Ben had smiled and he smiled back.

At no time during his incarceration had Ben dared to dream that he would meet someone new, of having what he’d had once before and lost so tragically. In truth, he thought he had closed down that side of himself, resigning himself to a life alone at least in the short term. Life was a capricious genie, sending the opportunity for a great love when he was least ready for it. He watched Callum go inside his flat. When he got up to his landing, he peered through the small window and saw Callum drawing his curtains and, for a moment, he regretted not taking Callum up on his offer; it would have done him the power of good to be held. His phone buzzed silently and, pulling it out of his pocket, he saw it was a message from Callum.

_Just imagine I’m holding you x_

Ben’s heart swelled at the message and he lay on his bed and obediently pictured himself in Callum’s arms. His tears fell then and he stuffed his face into his pillow to muffle the sound. His phone buzzed again.

_Sorry. That probably made you cry. Imagine you’re happy I’m holding you x_

Ben huffed a little laugh. Callum was already in his head. There was no running away from this – not that he wanted to – so, now, he had to make sure he didn’t mess it up.


	3. Mutiny

“Explain the tips system to me again,” demanded Ben, holding out the £5.20 in cash he had just been given.

“So, we put all cash tips behind the bar. Ian can tell how much was given by card. The cash tips are divided equally between all fifteen of us including Ian, no matter how many shifts you’ve done, and are paid out weekly. The card tips are divided equally and are paid out monthly as part of payroll.” Ruby watched Ben’s face.

“So you’re telling me that last week the cash tips were around eighty quid?” Ruby didn’t answer as she could see Ben’s temper was unravelling. “Now, you see, that can’t be right,” he stormed, “’cause I know I got five fifteen quid tips last week and that’s just me.”

“Don’t have a go at me, Ben. It’s nothing to do with me.” Ruby was a tough cookie and wasn’t having Ben lose his temper with her.

“No, you’re right. I think we all know what thieving bugger is behind this.” With that, Ben stomped out of the restaurant, heading for home. The rest of the staff watched him go wishing they could be a fly on the wall at the Beales’ house. Peter and Bobby had that option available to them and flew out after Ben.

“I HAVE to see this,” shouted Peter as he left.

Ben banged through the back door, disturbing Kathy, Ian and Lola having a cup of tea around the table while Lexi finished eating.

“Daddy!” shouted Lexi, jumping up then stopping quickly as she saw Ben’s mood.

Ben flung his measly share of the tips on the table and glared at Ian.

“What?” questioned Ian, slurping his tea, not even bothering to look at Ben.

“I’m told I get one fifteenth of the cash tips collected over the week. I know I collected over eighty pounds ‘cause I had five fifteen quid tips plus loads of other tips. So explain the maths to me.” He gave Lexi a quick kiss. “Fifteen times five pounds twenty, sweetheart,” he said. Lexi quickly started calculating.

“Seventy eight pounds,” she cried out triumphantly. Ben pulled up a chair and continued to glare at Ian, joined by Bobby, Peter and Lola.

“What can I say?” smirked Ian. “There was only seventy eight pounds in the jar.”

“Are you saying that somebody is stealing from the tips jar?” asked Ben, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. Ian shrugged complacently.

“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth,” he quoted. Ben was sorely tempted to punch him.

“It is NOT impossible that you’re a swindling toerag,” he snarled.

“Ben!” scolded Kathy.

“What mum? You think that’s unlikely, do you? Do you really?” Ben heaved a sigh. “But okay, it’s possible someone else is nicking tips, so we need to investigate.”

“I need to investigate. It’s MY business,” insisted Ian, still looking smug.

“You CAN’T investigate yourself,” argued Ben but it fell on deaf ears.

“MY business,” reiterated Ian, downing his tea noisily and leaving the table, “where I’m going now. Who’s on tonight?” Lola, Peter and Bobby raised their hands like school children and followed him obediently out of the house. Ben groaned loudly at the ineffectiveness of his protest, throwing his head on the table in despair. Kathy stroked his arm hoping to calm his temper.

“I’m going to be off to The Prince Albert in a minute,” she said, referring to the local gay bar she owned. “Lexi ate early with Lola, Ian and me and she’s already had a shower because she has plans for this evening.” She and Lexi grinned at each other conspiratorially.

Ben turned to Lexi who was clearly extremely excited.

“So what are we doing?” he asked his daughter, giving Kathy a kiss as she passed him on the way out.

“Watchin’ Wonderwoman,” she informed him. “Callum’s comin’ round.”

“Callum?” Ben’s heart skipped a beat.

“Yeah, he likes DC movies, so when mummy and me were discussin’ it and mummy didn’t know what it was, like U and PG and that, and Callum said it was a 12A and mummy said it was fine if you would watch it with me and she knows you don’t like superheroes so she wasn’t sure so I asked Callum if he would come round and mummy said it was a good idea so he said yes and he’s comin’ at six.” Ben glanced at his watch and saw he had ten minutes to freshen up.

“Okay, right,” he said, slightly flustered. “I’m going to change out of my work clothes. You line up the film. Callum will knock on the door when he arrives. What do you do when you hear a knock on the door?”

“Wait for you,” said Lexi, taking her cue perfectly.

Ben ran upstairs, making decisions about clothes as he went. It was a warm evening so a fresh white t-shirt, blue shorts, bare feet would both look good and show him as relaxed. Not wanting to smell of curry, he had a two minute shower quickly washing his hair. A splash of scent and a scrub of his teeth had him ready.

He arrived downstairs to find Lexi talking through the door to Callum.

“I’m not allowed to open the door,” she was explaining.

“That’s okay sweetheart. Where’s Daddy?”

“He’s changin’ ‘is clothes. He doesn’t normally. It’s ‘cause you’re comin’ round.” Ben sighed at the disclosure. So much for seeming relaxed.

“Okay, princess, you can let him in,” he instructed. Callum came in and swept Lexi into the air, much to her delight, settling her on his hip as he carried her into the living room, reaching across and giving Ben a stroke on the cheek as he passed.

“Hey,” he smiled. Relaxed.

“Hey,” grinned Ben, thinking Callum looked amazing. He was in khaki shorts, a blue shirt open to his chest and flipflops. Very relaxed.

Lexi settled herself in between them and they started the film.

It was two and half hours of his life that Ben was never going to get back. What was it about people who liked this fantasy stuff? They always felt the need to recap and question and talk all the way through, although he had to admit that it was cute to see Lexi and Callum so absorbed in the movie and chatting animatedly together. He was still happy for it to end, though.

“Right, straight to bed missy. It’s half past eight already.” Lexi looked like she was considering an argument and then thought better of it. She jumped on Callum’s lap and gave him a big hug.

“You can choose the next film,” she offered.

“Deal,” agreed Callum. “Just so long as Daddy doesn’t choose, eh?”

Lexi snorted. “Definitely,” she agreed, giving Ben a dismissive look as she flounced upstairs.

“You hanging around for a bit?” asked Ben. Callum nodded unsure if it was an invitation or a question. “Give me a couple of minutes for a goodnight kiss,” said Ben and disappeared upstairs.

Callum looked around the living room. He had spent a bit of time in this house over the past year and a half both with work meetings and being invited round occasionally for meals. There was photographic evidence of family life everywhere. Ian had once pointed out Lucy and Steven, his children who had died, in a shelf of photographs so Callum had been careful not to ask questions. Now he realised that if he’d looked more closely, he would have seen Ben amongst all of the pictures. Whatever had gone wrong in Ben’s life, he was part of this family and Callum could only imagine what that might be like. He returned to the sofa not wanting it to look like he was being nosey.

“What’re ya thinkin’?” Ben’s voice jolted Callum out of his reverie a couple of minutes later.

“There’s a lot of family in this room,” replied Callum. Ben came to sit next to him.

“Where do your family live?” he asked.

“Canning Town. Drunk, violent dad and psycho brother. I ‘aven’t seen them since I joined the army at sixteen. Mum left when I was six.” He looked at Ben. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“Yeah?” Benny interlaced his fingers with Callum’s. It was a small thing but, to him, it felt like a bold move. Callum’s fingers held on, keeping him steady.

“It is what it is. It’s part of my life ‘cause it’s my history and it’s formed me but it ain’t my future, Ben.” He knew Ben would understand this and he did.

“I’m tryin’ to see a different future,” he said quietly.

“I know you are,” said Callum, squeezing his hand. “You’ll get to where you want to be.” Ben looked up at Callum through eyes glistening with tears.

“I can’t stop crying. I’m always crying.”

“I told you. You need to be held. They say nothing heals the past like time but I think being held helps.” Callum got hold of Ben’s legs and swung them over his own legs, and then reached for his waist, pulling him onto his lap for a close hug. Ben came willingly, wrapping his arms around Callum’s neck and crying and crying. Very unrelaxed. Callum didn’t let go, all the time offering soothing words. “Ssh, hey, it’s okay.”

It took a while but eventually Ben cried himself out. It was so comfortable in Callum’s arms he didn’t want to move but he suspected from Callum’s fidgeting that he wasn’t as comfortable as Ben.

“Yer legs dead again?” he asked, hopping off Callum’s lap and pulling him to standing.

“Yeah a bit. Yer heavier than ya look,” moaned Callum, laughing at Ben’s affronted expression as he stretched out and did some skipping on the spot.

“Oh stop it,” sighed Ben, falling back on the sofa. “I’m not impressed ya know.”

Callum dropped down next to him, sitting close, legs pressed up against Ben’s, interlacing their fingers again and turning his head towards him. “Yes you are,” he said, confidently. Ben laughed loudly.

“Yeah, maybe I am,” he said, turning his head to face Callum. Their heads rested on the back of the sofa and for a few moments they simply looked at each other, memorising each other’s faces.

“I know yer not ready. We’ve got some talkin’ to do before this can go anywhere else,” whispered Callum. “I just want you to know that I’m okay with that.”

“Thank you,” said Ben, his voice breathy, overcome with emotion. “You’re beautiful, ya know.”

“Yeah I know,” bragged Callum cheekily, lightening the mood. “I’ve been told before.”

“I bet you have,” laughed Ben. It was so easy with Callum. “Changin’ the subject away from you, Adonis, I ‘ave got somethin’ I want to discuss with you.”

He explained the tips problem to Callum.

“My gut is tellin’ me it’s Ian but he’s right – it could be any of us. So if we’re going to investigate, it’s just got to be the two of us. No-one else can know. We’ve got to look at everybody including the kitchen staff. I know everybody is happy to share tips so the kitchen gets a share. Mind you, I can’t quite believe Ian takes a share and I’m not sure he should as the employer.” He stopped and frowned. “I’m gonna check if ‘e should even be doin’ that.” Ben got up to get his laptop. Sitting back down with Callum, they quickly found a Code of Best Practice.

“Ian won’t give a shit if it’s not a legal requirement,” said Ben, reading through the document.

“Hmmm.” Callum was thoughtful. “Masood has offered to sell me half his interest in the restaurant. I believe the other half is going to Iqra. Ian isn’t happy because he sees Masood as a silent partner, and Iqra and me wouldn’t be. But Masood was never a silent partner, not technically, and Ian can’t just decide that’s what ‘e is. Your mum is in the same position.”

“Are you goin’ to buy in then?”

“I’ve got enough,” answered Callum. “I’ve actually got enough to buy all of Masood’s share. I’ve never spent much of what I’ve earned. I’m thirty-one and ‘ave been workin’ almost ‘alf ma life. It adds up. But it was supposed to be a deposit fer a flat or a house maybe. If I buy into the restaurant, I might be livin’ in a bedsit forever. But if I buy in, I’d ‘ave more of a say about things like this.”

“I’m the same,” confessed Ben. “I’ve never ‘ad to pay rent and I’ve not spent much either. Jay owns the car lot, the land, but I put some money into the sales business. I own The Arches but my dad runs his business out of there so I don’t want to run the garage. But I’ve got a bit saved for when I’m ready to get my own place. It might get me a bedsit,” he joked, knowing how extortionate Walford prices were. “Thing is, Jay and me want the lot to make both of us enough money. We want to grow the business. Workin’ in the restaurant is short term for both of us to save more. As well as helpin’ me assimilate back into the land of good citizens. I’m sure that was the devious plan.” He smiled at Callum.

“So we need another plan for the tips in the meantime. What about if we ‘ave the opposite of one of these disclosure statements?” Callum suggested, scrolling the screen to the appropriate page. Ben read quickly.

“What? So we put up a disclosure statement that says _We are NOT committed to the Code of Best Practice on Tips. All cash tips do NOT go to the staff. The amount available for staff in the restaurant is NOT shared out through a system controlled by a staff representative?_ ” laughed Ben.

“I was thinkin’ more that, short term, staff refuse tips and explain to customers that the tips do not go to staff,” explained Callum. “We’re all only getting five quid or so per week so it’s not like they’d be losin’ much. It might flush out the thief.”

“Ooh a mutiny! I like it!” exclaimed Ben, impressed that Callum was undaunted and had suggested such an audacious plan. “Let’s suggest it on Monday.”

Callum left a little later. It had been so comfortable talking to Ben, moving between serious stuff and daft teasing easily, and he had enjoyed the simple pleasure of sitting close to somebody and having them in his arms. On leaving, he and Ben had stood at the back door holding hands, thumbs rubbing a gentle message, their eyes only for each other. Callum had leaned in and kissed Ben’s cheek, long enough to rest his lips there and for Ben to push his cheek into the kiss. He felt Ben’s breath hitch with the emotion of it.

There was not a part of him that wanted to hurry Ben along. He could see that his torment plagued him; his distress was palpable. Their physical connection was building, slowly but surely, but he could feel Ben’s fear. It didn’t take a genius to consider that this might have something to do with his time inside and Callum knew there were difficult conversations ahead of them. All he could think of was how much he was starting to care about this man. He wanted to help him.

Ben was beginning to relax and be confident of Callum. It was the strongest and most comfortable connection he’d ever felt. Stopping himself from chasing ahead in his head, he replayed the evening, experiencing the thrills a second time. He hadn’t known it could be so exciting to hold hands, to look into each other’s eyes, to be kissed on the cheek. It was as though Callum was teaching him something completely new.

+++

On the following Monday evening, the Walford East team were having a drink at the local pub, The Queen Victoria. It was late in the month and people were running low on funds so a simple night in The Vic was all they could afford.

Callum and Ben introduced their plan for mutiny and everybody was immediately in agreement.

“What we want to achieve is to persuade Ian to adopt the Code for Best Practice. So we need to think about exactly what system we want.” Callum looked round the table, aware that he was taking a lead and nobody had agreed to him doing this. Ben was looking at him with a proud grin and Callum couldn’t help but blush. “How do you feel about me making some suggestions?” He checked that everybody was nodding and carried on. “One. We want cash tips shared equally between staff, excluding employers. Two. The head waiter will be responsible for collecting the cash, putting it in the safe with an account and sharing it out weekly. Three. For tips left by card, ten per cent will be retained by the business to cover any charges or costs incurred. The remaining ninety per cent will be shared equally between staff, payable monthly with the payroll. Four. If the restaurant introduces a service charge, this will be treated as a card tip. What do you think?”

“I think we should share out the money so that people who do more shifts get a bigger share,” said Ruby. “Like, just say there are ten shifts per week, so somebody doing eight of those should get twice as much as somebody doing four of them.”

“That’s a bit harsh on me, Bernie and Tiff,” complained Dotty. “We do less shifts. Our tips will go right down.”

“I think they’ll still go up because we’re making sure more of the pot comes to staff,” advised Callum.

“Dotty, it’s a question of fairness. Do you think it’s unfair for people doing more shifts to get more tips?” Ruby got on well with Dotty so was probably the right person to say this. Dotty shrugged her shoulders but didn’t offer any dissent. Ben regarded her thoughtfully wondering if he could help Dotty if she needed to earn more.

“I think it sounds good,” said Frankie. “So the plan is we mutiny, then Callum negotiates with Ian about all the things he said.”

“I’m happy to do it at a staff meeting, then you can all chip in,” proposed Callum.

“Too late mate,” teased Peter. “You’re our leader.”

“No wriggling out of it now,” laughed Whitney. Good natured banter ensued about their great leader, until Callum’s face was a deep red. Ben came to sit next to him, kissed his cheek and pretended that his lips were burned making everybody laugh but also revealing his connection to Callum as they shared a loving look.

“Did you catch that?” whispered Iqra, as she sent Callum and Ben to the bar to get the next round in.

“Oh yes,” laughed Ruby. “Our beautiful boys have got it bad for each other.”

“Callum needs to just say yes,” said Whitney. “Ben won’t drop it until ‘e does and, in the meantime, we’ll all be carried along with the drama.” Jay and Lola shared a look.

“This time, it might be the other way round,” Lola said, “an’ it’s Ben who needs to say yes. But let’s just be ‘appy for ‘em, yeah, and let ‘em do it their own way?”

+++

As was expected, Ian was incandescent about the mutiny.

“They think their jobs are safe, do they?” he raged. “I’ll sack the lot of ‘em.”

“Including the five of us here, Dad?” asked Peter. The Beale household was having Sunday dinner as usual late in the day and had invited Callum so he, Peter, Bobby, Ben and Lola were all potentially for the chop.

“You … all of you … have betrayed me!” screeched Ian. “Well maybe not kitchen staff,” he qualified, staring uncertainly at Callum and Bobby. Lola could see the writing on the wall and decided to take Lexi upstairs.

“How did you only realise today that there were no tips?” asked Ben. “We haven’t been acceptin’ ‘em all week.”

“Sunday’s the day I collect ‘em.”

“So how were you goin’ to know if someone was takin’ ‘em?” Ben persisted with his questioning. “You’d need to have been checkin’ every day.”

“What?” Ian looked at him blankly.

“For your investigation into the tips theft, you would need to have been checkin’ every day,” explained Ben patiently. Ian rolled his eyes theatrically. “Unless,” Ben continued, “you had no intention of investigatin’.”

“Do you know something? IF … big if … I don’t sack ‘em all, they ‘ave all just shot themselves in the feet because now they are gettin’ NO tips.” Ian was unrepentant.

“What do you think yer reputation will be when customers realise yer staff don’t get their tips?” asked Ben. He seriously didn’t care one bit if Ian sacked him. He was only working there to be around Callum and they were on a stronger friendship footing now and were spending time together outside work.

“Isn’t the law changin’ on this?” asked Kathy. “I think you might HAVE to give staff the tips.”

“The law hasn’t changed yet but there’s a Code of Best Practice,” advised Callum. “I’ve read it. It seems fair.”

Ian looked at them with cold, steely eyes.

“I’ve read it as well, thank you Callum, and it says the business can take a percentage to cover charges, breakages, no shows and all that.”

“That’s a very selective reading of it,” said Callum, his voice suddenly authoritative. “It does say that for card tips and service charges, but not for cash tips. But it’s very clear that all of it should be transparent, staff should know the system and there should be a published disclosure of policy.”

Kathy now had the scent and she fixed her nose firmly at Ian.

“So you WERE takin’ the tips,” she snapped, disgust dripping from her words. “What percentage did you decide was right for the business to take? And by the business, I am talking about OUR business, the one you co-own with me and Masood.”

Ian stared at her for a moment and then hung his head, incoherently mumbling.

“Ian!” Kathy was on the warpath. “What percentage?”

“An amount not a percentage,” sulked Ian and before he was shouted at again, he told them. “Four hundred quid.” Everybody looked at him, appalled.

“Into the business or into your pocket?” asked Ben coldly. Ian’s defeat was complete as his body language answered Ben’s question.

“You are kidding, Dad?” asked Bobby, not wanting to believe it. “You stole the tips?”

“I have NEVER been more ashamed in my life,” stated Kathy. Ian jerked his head up.

“What? REALLY?” he snarled. “You’ve got a son who is a criminal and has been to prison three times.”

A horrified silence followed his words. Then Kathy spoke, her voice laden with icy fury.

“As Bobby’s father, you should know better. Prison is not a simple picture. We know Ben and Bobby are good people now, right now, which is what counts. But you’re right about one thing. I do ‘ave a son who’s a criminal. He’s a thief.”

Ian looked at Callum, clearly resigned but not remorseful. Not even a little.

“Since you know so much about it, I’ll leave you to sort this out. Make sure we adopt the code.” He stood up, smoothed down his clothes, looked coolly round the table and, with that, he left the house.

Kathy looked around the four young men at her table. Peter and Bobby were palpably stunned, Ben and Callum less so but still shocked.

“Did you know?” Kathy asked Ben, a little suspicious that this may have been motivated by sibling rivalry. “Did you know what he was doing?”

“Suspected because the tip share I was getting didn’t make sense,” admitted Ben, “but not the scale of it.” Kathy felt a pang of guilt that she had suspected him of having set Ian up for this fall. It was clear to her now that Ian was responsible for his own demise.

“What about you?” she asked Callum. He observed her bewilderment but it wasn’t as big as his own.

“I can’t quite believe I didn’t notice,” he said, shaking his head in confusion. Why hadn’t he questioned it? It was blindingly obvious now that it had been uncovered.

“Me neither,” said Peter, thinking, like Callum, that he needed to be more switched on to what was going on around him. Like Ben.

“Don’t you go blaming yourself boys. We should be able to completely trust each other. You did nothing wrong.” Kathy got up out of her seat and visited each of them in turn, depositing a kiss on their heads and stopping at Bobby to hold her arms around him. “We’re a team and don’t any of you forget it.”


	4. Sanctuary

Ian’s sudden departure had shaken them all.

“I think I’m going to go to bed,” said Bobby, desperately longing for the sanctuary of his room. He knew his dad was not always a good person but this was much lower than Bobby could ever have imagined Ian would stoop. He was devastated.

“Yeah, I’m gonna head upstairs as well.” Peter stood up ready for an immediate exit and put a hand on Bobby’s arm to take him with him. Seeing the despair setting in for Bobby, he wanted to talk to his brother about their dad to reassure him that everything would be alright. Peter found Ian hard to respect so he wasn’t feeling that his expectations had been demolished but his disappointment in his dad was immense nonetheless. He and Bobby would find it easier if they faced it together.

“I’m gonna stay at Callum’s tonight,” advised Ben, reaching for Callum’s hand first as a way of warning him. “My bed’s no good for two and I want to be with ‘im. I’ll tell Lola.”

“Okay love.” Kathy could see that Ben was starting to wobble. He had initiated all of this but his discovery had left him reeling. As he disappeared to talk to Lola and collect overnight things, she turned to Callum. “Thank you,” she said. “He needs good things to ‘appen to ‘im and you’re definitely a good thing. But he’s … he’s not strong yet. Ya know, love?”

“I do,” confirmed Callum. “I’ve got ‘im, I promise. He’s safe with me.” Kathy looked exhausted leaning on Bobby’s vacated chair and, as Callum watched, her face crumpled and she began to sob noisily. He jumped up and put his arms around her.

“You’re amazin’ Kathy, you know that. They’re all so lucky to ‘ave you.”

Kathy wept into his shoulder and he held her tight.

“Well I can see why Ben wants to spend the night in your arms,” she smiled tearfully. “Those long arms are made for hugging.”

Ben appeared back in the room, looking decidedly agitated as he saw Callum comforting Kathy.

“Don’t worry about me,” she instructed, forcing a smile . “Go on, the pair o’ ya.” She kissed Callum’s cheek and then Ben’s and pushed them through the door. Callum smiled a goodbye at Kathy and shepherded Ben out of the house.

It was a warm evening and people were out and about in The Square but Callum was focused on getting Ben into his flat, sensing a collapse was imminent. Ben’s brow was deeply furrowed and he didn’t say a word, hands pushed firmly in his pockets, backpack slung over his shoulder as they walked.

Once inside, Ben silently got changed into nightclothes, took out his contact lenses and cleaned his teeth almost as though Callum wasn’t there. Callum watched him get organised, wondering if he should say something but deciding against it.

“It’s warm in here,” said Ben as he lay on the bed. Callum was relieved to hear him speak. He opened a window and turned on the fan and changed into his nightclothes. Surveying his face in the small bathroom mirror as he brushed his teeth, he couldn’t help his mind whirring. Was this going to be a gear change in their relationship? It had taken him by surprise when Ben announced he was staying over. And Kathy hadn’t batted an eyelid. Did she think they were together? Were they? Pulling Ben into his arms as he lay down, it felt right. He could feel tears on his shoulder where Ben’s head rested and he ran his fingers through his hair. They lay peacefully for a while.

“Is there just bad runnin’ through my family’s veins?” murmured Ben after a while. “You should run for the hills, Callum Highway.”

“What? I’ve just got in with yer mum,” teased Callum.

“I know Ian is an lyin’, cheatin’ weasel but … he’s my lyin’, cheatin’ weasel.” Ben sounded shaken. “When mum died, he was the one who took me in. He tried to limit my dad’s influence. He tried to look after me.”

Callum was confused. “When your mum died?”

“Yeah, well obviously she didn’t die. She pretended to be dead, she was being controlled by ‘er husband.”

“When was this?” Callum wasn’t sure he was hearing this correctly.

“From when I was ten to when I was eighteen.”

Callum leaned up on his elbow to look down at Ben. “Shit, Ben.”

Ben smiled weakly. “Yeah, I know. Run for the hills, I’m tellin’ ya.” They stared at each other for a few seconds, Ben absorbing Callum’s care and Callum seeing Ben’s eyes awash with anguish.

“Can’t. I’m in too deep.” Callum lay on his back again, drawing Ben close.

“You are?”

Callum could feel Ben’s face tilted towards him so turned on his side a little to look down.

“I am.” A sparkling, blue sea of distress looked at him and he kissed Ben’s forehead. “I am.”

They lay for a little while longer, the light dropping away now, listening to the sound of people outside coming in through the open window. Normal. The minutes ticked by and the stress of the evening gradually dissipated leaving behind their closeness, soothing them.

“So give me a Ben Mitchell timeline,” proposed Callum. He felt Ben sigh before he spoke.

“Zero to two, meningitis, caused deafness in one ear, dad turned to drink, parents split; two to ten, happy upbringing with mum in South Africa; ten, mum died, moved back to England, abused by dad’s girlfriend, some fun bein’ me, dancin’, me nan an’ aunty were good but I was never acceptable to me dad; fourteen, eight months in juvi for fracturing a kid’s skull with a spanner, rejected by dad for being gay; sixteen, two years in juvi for manslaughter, Lexi born; eighteen, mum rose from the dead, gay mess; twenty, fell in love with Paul, Paul killed; twenty-one, tricked into an affair by the son of my mum’s rapist, dad had him disappear; twenty-two, stole money from dad and ran away, tricked out of the money; twenty-three, returned to Walford with Lola and Lexi, step-brother Denny died in a boat crash, head injury in same crash caused almost full hearing loss; twenty-four, got my cochlear implant, two years for robbery. And here we are … … Ready to run now?”

“How soft do you think I am? Did I tell you I was in the army?” Callum was truly shocked but he had an idea that Ben was pushing for rejection so he aimed for a light response and was rewarded with a glimmer of a smile. “Can I unpick some of it?”

“Maybe. We’ll see.” Ben arranged himself to face Callum.

“Okay, tell me about Paul.”

“Why Paul?”

“Ben, you just gave me a catalogue of trauma. But you still managed to fall in love which is nothin’ short of a miracle. So I think Paul is gonna be a high point.”

Ben shook his head.

“It was the lowest point of my life,” he said sadly, his voice breaking slightly. “I got him killed. We was gettin’ some hassle for holdin’ hands, bein’ us, and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I antagonised our attackers and we were beaten up and … Paul was killed.”

“No! I’m sorry, Ben. Truly sorry.” Callum stroked Ben’s cheek. “That’s just terrible.” His gentle eyes were full of compassion and Ben appreciated that he wasn’t being pitied. “I’d still like to hear about him,” said Callum, “what he was like, what made you fall in love with him.”

Ben turned onto his back and closed his eyes, clearly picturing his lost love as a small smile broke across his face.

“He was a free spirit. Flirty, witty, quick to laugh about stupid stuff. He saw me, the real me, like you do. It was like those walls I ‘ad around me ‘ad been built with transparent bricks. I was still in a state of gay confusion, even ‘ad a girlfriend, but Paul was patient, stood by me through all my mistakes and bad decisions, taught me that I ‘ave a big, old, soppy heart, helped me to accept the idea that I was worth lovin’. Not only at the time but later as well, after he was gone, he changed my life.”

“Special,” said Callum softly, savouring the sentiment. “I’ve been lookin’ for special half my life.”

“Yeah he was special,” murmured Ben.

He turned to face Callum. “Your turn,” he ordered. “Let’s ‘ave it. The Callum Highway timeline.” Callum had suspected that he would have to reciprocate.

“Zero to Six, who knows; six, mum left; six to sixteen, lived in a dirty flat on a rundown estate with my dad and brother, violence, alcoholism, neglect, squalor; sixteen, joined the army, tried to fit in, hid myself; twenty-two, met Chris, he was a chef with me, it was a slow burn love; twenty-five, started a relationship with Chris; twenty-six, caught him in bed with our mate Dominic, left the army; twenty-seven, tried datin’ a woman, got engaged, broke her heart; twenty-eight, finally came out properly, disastrous dates; twenty-nine, moved to Walford, more disastrous dates, two years later, here we are.”

Ben heard a story of a lost child, a lost man, in a lonely, empty life. As much as it was a miracle that he himself had fallen in love, it was equally a miracle that Callum had.

“Chris was your first?”

“Yeah okay I was a twenty-five year old virgin,” sighed Callum. “Really? That’s your question?”

“Hey, I didn’t mean it like that.” Ben was crestfallen. “I meant was he your first love?”

“Oh.” Callum was thoughtful. “I told ‘im I loved ‘im. He told me he loved me. But when it was over, I knew ‘e never ‘ad and I wasn’t sure I ‘ad either. But we clicked, there was something, a connection, I don’t know, and he became a bit of a benchmark for every guy I met not to reach.” He took a breath and decided to be honest. “Until you. You’re on a whole other level.”

“Am I special?”

“You know you are.”

“Come on Callum. You know what I’m askin’. Could I be your special?” Ben was fishing and Callum wondered why. He was sure he hadn’t done anything to cause Ben to doubt him.

“I’m hopeful.” He looked at Ben. “You do know that special is never one-way?”

“Yeah, but I’m risk-averse so I’m just checkin’ before I go all in.” A smile tugged at the corner of Ben’s mouth but Callum could see the nerves.

“Ben,” Callum held his face gently, “you either feel it or you don’t.” There would be no games. They needed clarity and Callum knew Ben felt it.

“You know I feel it,” said Ben.

They lay looking at each other, before moving closer, noses touching. Ben knew it was his move and he gently pressed their lips together. He caught Callum’s gasp and was certain that they had felt the same thing, a thrilling frisson skittering across their skin, a warmth coursing through their veins, a clear sense that this was the start of something. Opening his eyes, he saw Callum looking straight at him, pupils blown, cheeks flushed, desire unconcealed but, still, eyes full of care. Ben couldn’t remember ever having been looked at like that. Callum made him feel so much he thought his heart might burst. He closed his eyes. Was he ready for this?

Callum’s attraction to Ben was blowing his mind; it was a revelation to him – he’d had no idea that he could feel like this. Part of him was wary. Was the attraction magnified because they were holding back and the tension was mounting? He reminded himself to avoid inventing a false reality. Lying so close, he could feel the build-up of anxiety so he pulled Ben towards him, burying his face in his hair.

“You are unbelievably sexy,” he murmured. “Please don’t think I don’t want you. I do. I do want you.” Ben relaxed into the hold, moulding his body against Callum’s.

“You turnin’ down my advances?” he teased lightly, beyond grateful that Callum understood him.

“For now, yeah,” whispered Callum, his eyes becoming heavy.

Ben felt the moment that Callum fell asleep. His breathing slowed and deepened and the weight of his body pressed more firmly against Ben. It was immensely comforting, giving Ben some respite from the unrelenting pressure to recover. Here, in Callum’s tiny flat, it was like the clock had slowed so that he had more time and, for once, he felt like he could keep up. He cried - it had become his default. Callum’s arms tightened slightly around him as he wept as though, even in his sleep, he could sense Ben’s distress. It wasn’t long before Ben joined him and they slept soundly.

Callum woke first, delighted that the first thing he saw upon opening his eyes was Ben. They had pulled apart slightly during the night and, as he stirred, Ben re-established his purchase on Callum’s body. Callum sighed happily and settled down for a snooze. It was Monday and he didn’t have anywhere to be. Ben had to be at the car lot in a couple of hours but they had time before he had to get up. He could hear the market traders on Bridge Street and recognised some of the voices, giving him a sense of belonging. This was what he had been searching for: purposeful work, a place he felt at home, someone special to share his life. Was he finally getting where he wanted to be?

“Do you work out?” Callum was startled out of his slumber by Ben’s question. “Just admiring yer bod,” explained Ben.

“Well, yeah, I run. Not loads, perhaps once a week. I’m a bit big for runnin’ an’ I don’t want wrecked knees. An’ I’ve got a routine I do every mornin’ of stretches, some yoga, some weights.”

“Don’t let me stop you,” suggested Ben, almost licking his lips. “I’d join ya but, well, there’s only space for one.” Callum rolled his eyes but decided to indulge his … what was he? … with a floor show.

He moved the table aside and rolled his mat out, laughing when he saw Ben had turned so that his head was propped on his hands at the bottom of the bed. Focusing on the exercises, he tuned Ben out. As much as he could anyway, as every time Ben came into his field of vision, all Callum could see was his impish grin.

“Yer very distractin’,” he complained, panting slightly as he reached the end of the routine and got ready to stretch again. Ben just laughed and continued ogling until Callum stood up.

“Right, finished,” said Callum, pulling his t-shirt over his head, an automatic action born out of routine.

“Now who’s bein’ distractin’?” asked Ben, hungry eyes devouring the sight of Callum.

“I’m going in the shower.” Callum paused and Ben almost thought that he might ask him to join him. “I was thinking how good you smell. What soap do you use?” Ben looked puzzled and disappeared into the bathroom, Callum following him.

“Do you just buy whatever’s on offer at the Minute Mart?” he asked, sniffing Callum’s collection of soaps and shampoos and scrunching up his nose. Callum frowned; it was exactly what he did. Was that wrong? Ben reached for his washbag and retrieved his own toiletries. “Right, smell this,” he ordered, “and now this.” He searched Callum’s face for approval.

“Hmm, smells like you,” commented Callum. “Lovely. Can I use it?”

“Yeah, course.” Ben paused. “That shower is the one decent-sized thing in this flat.” Could he do this?

“Hmm,” hummed Callum, suddenly aroused by the thought of having Ben in the shower. He looked down, hoping it wasn’t obvious. Was Ben ready for this? They stared at each other thinking the same thoughts. “Well, shall I get going?” said Callum decisively. “You can go in afterwards.”

“Yeah, yeah, course,” stuttered Ben, backing out of the room.

He lay on the bed fretting. How was he going to be a good enough boyfriend? Were they boyfriends? His worrying continued as he was showering. He could have just slipped in here with Callum, it would have been easy. Where had his confidence gone? Would he ever get it back? He was cleaning his teeth, a towel wrapped round his waist when the door opened.

“I heard you were out of the shower and I need to clean my teeth as well.” He looked at Ben’s anxious face. “Is that okay? I promise to leave that towel alone,” he teased gently. Like Ben had with him earlier, he drank in the sight of Ben, his eyes resting on a scar below his left shoulder. Callum knew exactly what it was. “You’ve been shot?”

“Yeah, sexy eh? It went straight on my profile.”

“What? No! Ben, being shot is not a joke.” Callum was horrified.

“No, I know,” he retracted. “It was in The Vic, a kid in a bad way. He wasn’t aiming at me. Was shot dead by the police afterwards.”

“The pub siege?” exclaimed Callum. “I heard about that. You’re THAT Ben.” Ben scowled.

“People don’t know me. Whatever they said …” Callum silenced him with a soft kiss on the lips followed by a similar kiss on the scar.

“I ain’t listenin’ to anyone about you. I’m gettin’ to know ya fer myself.” He reached for his toothbrush and started to brush, eyes firmly fixed on Ben. Finishing off, he smiled.

“D’ya wanna go and get some breakfast at the café?”

“Now yer talkin’!” said Ben. “I’ll just get dressed,” and he dropped the towel as he left the bathroom treating Callum to a fleeting view of his backside. Callum laughed aloud. He picked up the towel and hung it up, noticing that Ben had popped his toothbrush into the mug that held Callum’s. It felt right.

+++

The activity for the Walford East staff for this Monday was an evening picnic in the park. Ben had a simple approach to this.

“Sausage rolls, cheese ‘n’ onion for the veggies, vegans can starve, beer and coke. Honestly, Callum, you don’t need anythin’ else.”

“You go to the car lot and let me do my own shoppin’.”

“You’re not gonna do it for both of us?” whined Ben. Callum looked at him.

“Do we come as a pair?” It came out more challenging than he’d intended and Ben instantly recoiled. “No, Ben, that came out wrong. I …”

“It’s fine, Callum. We don’t.” The hurt screamed out of Ben and Callum was crushed that he’d caused it. But he could put it right.

“Ben, stop!” he begged, holding onto Ben’s arms. “It came out wrong. I’ve been thinkin’ about it, wonderin’ what we are, what I’m hopin’ we are …” His eyes pleaded with Ben and he felt him relax. Ben dropped his eyes, clearly thinking, then lifted them with a new question.

“Do you still have your app?”

“What? I haven’t looked at it in …” Callum realised it had only been a couple of weeks. “The last time I looked at it, all I could think of was how they compared to you. I didn’t click on anybody.” He could see Ben had withdrawn.

“It’s fine, Callum,” he repeated. “Really. We’re just gettin’ to know each other. I’ll see you later.” He cupped Callum’s cheek, offered him a weak smile and trudged off to the car lot.

+++

It was the perfect evening for hanging out in the park. The grass had just been cut leaving a wonderful, fresh scent and the beds were full of bright flowers, with bees and butterflies irresistibly drawn to them. The temperature was still in the mid-twenties and there was the tiniest breeze rippling the water in the lake, creating a magical, sparkly effect as the sun looked down, intent on hanging around for a few more hours.

Before they started on the picnic, Callum took some time to explain the new tips system deliberately not mentioning that Ian had been keeping more than three quarters of their tips for himself. He was determined not to throw their swindling boss under the bus. It would be bad for the Beales, it would be bad for the restaurant, it would achieve nothing good so he wasn’t going to do it.

“How did you get Ian to agree to that?” asked Whitney, suspiciously.

“He didn’t know there was a Code of Best Practice and how much is generally acceptable for the restaurant to retain …” Callum was interrupted.

“Right, course he didn’t,” interjected Ruby, her tone clearly communicating her disbelief.

“… and he wants our new system to follow the Code. He’s asked me to organise it, make sure it’s right. So I need to check that you all understand the new system. If you have any objections, I can’t promise to make the changes you want but I will listen.” Looking around he saw everybody nodding. “Thanks guys.”

As everybody settled down to eat and drink, Peter and Bobby came to sit with Callum.

“Thank you,” said Peter, placing a grateful hand on Callum’s arm as Bobby smiled gratefully. They didn’t need to explain why they were thanking him but it meant a lot that Peter and Bobby appreciated how he had decided to play it.

Lola and Ben watched the exchange. They had discussed what might happen when Callum told the team about Ian’s embezzlement and had been anticipating a huge row.

“He’s a good one, your new fella,” said Lola, approving of Callum’s diplomatic management.

“He is a good one. Is he my new fella, though?” Ben watched Callum. He looked stunning in the soft evening light, dressed in shorts, one of his dorky t-shirts and sunnies. Ben was aware that Callum kept glancing at him anxiously but his head was awash with confusion. He didn’t want to make a wrong move so he was thinking that maybe no move was safest.

“Oh god, Ben, you ‘aven’t messed it up already, ‘ave ya?” Lola had been convinced, along with everybody else, that they were a great match.

“I don’t know.” Ben turned to face Lola directly. “He’s somethin’ special, isn’t he?” She nodded. “But I’m not. I’m damaged goods.” Lola got hold of his hands.

“Ben, YOU get to decide if you’re interested in him. HE decides if he’s interested in you. That’s not your call. Then, when he steps up and wants to go somewhere with it, don’t over-complicate it, just say yes.”


	5. Dating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments peeps ❤  
> I was aiming to post in the mornings but the next two are early starts for me at work so I'm reverting to evenings.

At the end of the picnic, Ben held Callum back. They hadn’t spoken all evening. Callum had spent a lot of time with Peter and Bobby, leading Ben to appreciate that Callum had become very close to his family while he had been in prison. Then, just when Ben plucked up courage to approach him, Callum got very involved with a game of rounders. Now everybody was packing up and leaving and Ben knew he couldn’t go through a whole evening without speaking to Callum. So he held him back as they all started to head for home.

“Thanks Callum … for what you did for my family, for my brother. You ‘ad every right to drop ‘im in it but we, my family, we’re really glad you didn’t.”

Callum stared at him, incredulous.

“That’s what ya wanna say, Ben? Thanks for savin’ Ian’s arse?”

Ben was terrified. He felt like he was on a knife edge and could so easily hurt himself if he said the wrong thing. The tears that he couldn’t seem to control were coming and he bit into his bottom lip to hold them off. His fear must have been on display because Callum took pity on him, his face softening as he placed his huge hands around Ben’s face.

“I’m sorry it’s so bad fer you. I AM the right person to be with you but you’ve got to let me. My question came out wrong earlier. It came out wrong because I’m scared as well, just as exposed and vulnerable as you. But … the thing is … the question WAS the one I wanted to ask. Do we come as a pair?”

Ben wanted to say yes but the insecurities and uncertainties were buzzing around his head; he needed to know that this meant as much to Callum as it did to him.

“So … what does that mean … with … with other dating? I don’t want to stop you doin’ anythin’ you want to do … I won’t stop you … but I can’t do it that way no more.” The tears were pushing insistently and Ben was seriously worried he was going to turn into a blubbering wreck. Again.

“What are you talkin’ about, Ben?”

“Your app, you datin’, searchin’ for special …”

“Ben, shut up! I’ve already deleted the app. I’m not goin’ to be out lookin’ for anyone else. I’m hopin’ that you’re my special.” Callum could see Ben needed to let go of his tears so he put his arms around him. “You’re in so much pain, Ben. It’s okay to cry.” As Ben wept, Callum stroked his hair and whispered soothing words until he exhausted his tears. Releasing Ben slightly but keeping hold of a hand, Callum tipped Ben’s chin upwards to make eye contact.

“What do you want, Ben?” he asked as he looked into Ben’s eyes, seeing a swirl of confusion and anxiety. Callum realised then that he had put on too much pressure. He had done this to Ben.

“I don’t know if I can do it, Callum. I want to but …” began Ben, but Callum interrupted him.

“My question. Do we come as a pair? I don’t need an answer. I’m sorry I pushed.” Callum’s eyes pleaded with Ben to forgive him. “I’m sorry, Ben, really.”

“What have we done? Shared small kisses, cuddled. I mighta flashed me arse at ya. Yer hardly rushin’ me, Callum.” Ben couldn’t believe he was making such a hash of things. He rested his head on Callum’s chest, still gripping one of his hands, trying desperately to marshal his thoughts into some kind of order, and felt Callum’s fingers in his hair, something he was beginning to love. He took a breath, summoning his courage, and looked up.

“I want to try,” he said, tentatively smiling. Callum felt the vice across his chest ease and he kissed Ben gently.

“Let’s try then,” he smiled.

Lola repeatedly looked back as the group walked across the huge expanse of grass. The light was going and she couldn’t see Callum and Ben that clearly but when they started to follow everybody hand-in-hand, she felt a rush of hopefulness.

“Look at them,” she said. “Ben’s got some way to go but Callum seems like he might be up for it.”

“They’re a good match,” agreed Ruby. “If you’d’ve said to me before Ben came ‘ome that Callum was the man for ‘im, I would’ve been doubtful. But seein’ ‘em together, they make sense.”

Jay watched the man who he saw as a brother and, although he knew he was not in a great place, he was confident to leave him in Callum’s care. Ben would be safe with Callum. There was something different about Ben since he had come home. He was jumpy and anxious, often tearful, but there was also a resolve about doing things differently. Jay was optimistic that Ben was going to be okay.

Ben was still crying, now with a mixture of relief and happiness, but he still wished he could rein in his emotions.

“I really want to stop all this cryin’,” he said. Callum looked at him.

“Don’t worry about it. You’re cryin’ ‘cause you need to get somethin’ out. My t-shirt is a bit wet is all.”

“Well I’m not sorry about that,” teased Ben. “How many goofy t-shirts do you ‘ave?”

“What d’ya mean?” Callum looked perplexed. Ben laughed.

“Nothin’. I like it on you.” Could he try a little flirting? “Probably would prefer it off you.”

Callum appreciated the effort but he was going to make sure Ben went back to his own house tonight. He squeezed Ben’s hand and kissed his forehead. They needed to slow this thing right down.

+++

Ian had disappeared.

He’d been gone for two weeks and there had been no word from him.

“Selfish!” said Kathy to Ben. “He’s not thinkin’ that ‘is family might be worried. Well I’m NOT worried. He’ll be hidin’ somewhere, sulkin’.” Ben agreed with her but he was even more annoyed because Ian’s absence meant Callum was having to spend more time at the restaurant just when Ben wanted more time with him.

They had decided upon dating as a way forward. He and Paul had been on dates but none of his hook ups since Paul could have even euphemistically been described as dates so it had been a while for him. Callum, on the other hand, had not been on dates with Chris but since Chris had been on a lot of dates with a lot of men. He’d never had a second date though so, when Ben discovered this, he decided to make their second date special.

“You’re gonna have to give me a clue about what to wear,” fished Callum.

“Smartish,” said Ben, refusing to be drawn into giving anything away.

They headed up west.

“First of all, I was thinkin’ we’d go to a show,” chatted Ben as they emerged from the tube, “but then I thought that’s what I’d want you to arrange for me.”

“Subtle,” laughed Callum. Ben shrugged and grinned. They were walking close together, arms around each other and he thought it was perfect. He didn’t need any more than this. Although he had planned a good deal more for Callum. They crossed Westminster Bridge and Callum looked across at the London Eye.

“I keep meanin’ to go on that,” he commented. “’Ave you been on it?”

“Yeah, Lex loves The Aquarium so we’ve been there a few times. Was never gonna get away with ignorin’ the bloody great wheel in front of it.” Callum was busy imagining what it might be like to have a day out with Ben and Lexi when he realised they were going up the ramp for the Eye.

“We’re going on it?”

“We are … in style.” Ben had booked what he jokingly referred to as a Cupid’s Capsule. “You can have whatever you want,” he informed Callum while they were waiting. “Waiters, champagne …”

“What are we having?” asked Callum, trying not to be over-excited. Nobody had ever done anything like this for him.

“Wait and see.”

Soon enough, their capsule arrived and they went inside followed by a waiter carrying a tray which she placed on a central table, immediately exiting the capsule leaving Callum and Ben alone.

“Ben,” said Callum disapprovingly. “This is gonna ‘ave cost a mint.”

“It’s a special date, innit?” argued Ben. “You said you’d never ‘ad a second date.”

“I’ve never had a third one or a fourth one. What’re ya gonna do?” He grinned at Ben. “I’m made up. It’s amazin’.” He moved to examine the tray, saw the box of ice and laughed loudly. “You really do listen to me, don’t ya?” he giggled, picking up an ice lolly, his favourite kind. Ben picked up his own ice lolly and ate it watching Callum, enthralled, wondering why he’d never been into this dating lark. It was exciting. By the time they were at the top of the wheel, the lollies had been finished and they were in each other’s arms looking out at their hometown.

Callum looked down at Ben and kissed him softly. “Thank you,” he said. He could see Ben’s eyes had darkened with desire and couldn’t resist kissing him again more firmly. Their kisses so far had been short and sweet so he was taken by surprise to feel Ben deepening the kiss and he opened his mouth willingly. It felt like he was erupting from the inside out and he lost all awareness of his limbs as every one of his senses zeroed in on the kiss. It was electrifying and exciting and exquisite all at once. Beautiful, sexy moans were coming from Ben and Callum’s heart lifted at the realisation that Ben was okay and wanted this. Breathless, they rested, forehead to forehead.

“You good?” checked Callum, holding the back of Ben’s head, wanting to keep him close.

“More than good,” said Ben, red lips kiss-bitten and smiling. “That was the best kiss of my life.” Callum’s smile widened at the compliment and Ben grinned back at him. “Do you want to know what’s next?”

“There’s more?”

“Of course. When yer boyfriend’s a chef, you can’t give ‘im an ice lolly for dinner.” He was relaxed, his guard was down and the word came out before he could stop it.

“Ben, don’t panic,” urged Callum, seeing the conflicting emotions fighting for dominance on Ben’s face. “We know what we are, what we’re doing. We’re okay. Don’t worry about words.”

Ben nodded mutely. Callum kissed him again returning to their usual soft kiss.

“So where are you taking me for dinner?” he quizzed, eyes full of care fixed on Ben, intent on dismissing his anxiety.

“It’s a surprise,” smiled Ben, thanking his lucky stars for Callum. How had he managed to find somebody so patient, so loving? “It’s a bit of a walk – half an hour or so – but I thought it might be nice. Or we can get a cab?”

“Walk,” said Callum decisively. He loved the South Bank with its variety and the hordes of people perpetually there. They stopped to watch the skateboarders, showing off their tricks in their graffiti-adorned concrete lair, and the street performers pretending to be statues, and the kids squealing when the statues moved. The river flowed alongside them, gently urging them onwards.

Finally, they headed away from the river and Callum realised they were going to The Shard.

“Never been up this either,” he said, abuzz with excitement.

“Wanted to take ya to dizzyin’ heights tonight,” quipped Ben. Callum snuck a look at him. Innuendo was a promising sign that Ben was gaining confidence.

The restaurant was extremely smart and Callum was instantly interested in everything: the menu, the drinks menu, the way the tables were arranged, the level of service from the waiting staff.

“It isn’t supposed to be a busman’s holiday,” moaned Ben as Callum explained the waiter’s technique for pouring the wine. “Are you gonna do this every time we go out for dinner?” He caught himself again. “I mean, if we go out for dinner again, ya know,” he mumbled. Callum leaned back in his chair, smiling.

“Give it up, Ben. You’re my boyfriend. I’m yours.”

Time stopped for a few seconds as Ben’s eyes widened and, without warning, he fled, almost knocking over the waiter.

“I’ll just go and check on him,” apologised Callum, unsure about what had just happened. He could have sworn that Ben was in a good place. “I don’t think he’s feeling well.” He followed Ben’s exit route, not knowing where to find him and what he was going to face when he did find him. After checking the toilets and the lift lobby, he discovered him in the stairwell, cheeks tear stained. Ben stood up immediately and stepped forward.

“Callum, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to burst out crying like some right soppy git in the middle of the restaurant. They’re good tears, honest.” He smiled nervously at his boyfriend. “But I can’t believe it. You’re perfect. How come I found perfect?”

Callum kissed his wet cheeks.

“Ben, I’m far from perfect. Neither of us is perfect. Thankfully. Perfect is like an impossible standard to maintain.” Callum was pleased to see Ben nodding. “We’re good for each other. Me and you, it works.”

“Works better on a full stomach,” teased Ben, regaining his composure. “An’ I booked a restaurant that does amazin’ food …”

“Come on then,” said Callum, pulling Ben by the hand back towards the restaurant. “Let’s see how good it is.”

“You’re gonna do this every time we go anywhere, aren’t you? Judge the food.” Ben nodded at the waiter apologetically as he sat down again, but otherwise didn’t pause for breath. “You’re not gonna eat properly. You’ll sit there munching tiny mouthfuls for way too long, looking into the distance as you consider the flavour combinations, the textures …”

“Ben, shut up! I’m goin’ to be so busy starin’ at your gorgeous mutt that I won’t be thinkin’ about the food at all.” Callum grinned as Ben’s face glowed with pleasure.

“Okay, then,” said Ben, grinning back.

As their meal arrived, they settled into chatter, talking about Lexi’s latest exploits and plans for the rest of her summer holidays, gossiping about friends, wondering where Ian had gone. It was easy, like they’d known each other forever. They were at a late sitting and the restaurant was slowly emptying around them, the darkness outside sprinkled with the lights of The City. Callum and Ben moved to sit on a settee near the full height windows and ordered cocktails that were double the price of Peter’s, appalled but determined to have them anyway.

“It’s been a perfect first second date,” sighed Callum happily.

“Thought we weren’t doin’ perfect,” sassed Ben, a besotted smile adorning his face.

“Maybe we can have our moments,” said Callum, looking intently into Ben’s eyes and, for once, seeing them clear and happy. “Thank you!”

They decided to splash out on a cab home and spent the whole of the journey holding hands and sharing soft looks. It had been a wonderful evening and by the time they arrived back at Callum’s bedsit, Ben was feeling more confident and as soon as they got through the door, he pushed him on the bed and took off his own shirt then Callum’s.

“It’s always so hot in here,” he explained cheekily as he looked down at his boyfriend. His boyfriend. He brushed his lips against Callum’s, immediately feeling the thrill, so he moved in again, this time with a little more urgency. Callum responded in kind and before long their arms were holding onto each other’s torsos, their legs were entwined and the kisses became deeper.

“I knew you were going to be great at snogging,” breathed Ben after a solid half hour of kissing, resting his head against Callum’s chest where he could hear his heart thumping fast.

“I don’t think it’s me, or you, it’s us and what we’re like together. WE were always gonna be great at snogging.”

“Are you saying I’m not a top-notch snogger?” huffed Ben, faking indignation. Callum knew how to tease Ben.

“Technique-wise, I’d give you a …”

“Unless you’re gonna say eleven, stop now,” laughed Ben, resuming the kissing. Eventually, they broke away and lay facing each other, both thinking the other was beautiful.

“Loads of my dates wouldn’t entertain the idea of kissin’,” said Callum, bringing his arms around Ben to hold him near.

“That’s ‘cause they weren’t there for the date; they wanted to hook up. I never wanted to kiss a hook up, so I would’ve been one of those.” Ben snuggled into Callum, enjoying the closeness and the chat.

“Why?” asked Callum.

“I didn’t want to connect with ‘em. I just wanted sex.”

“That’s the bit I don’t get.” Callum sounded genuinely confused. “WHY didn’t you want to connect with them? Wouldn’t it be better to have sex with a connection?”

“How ‘as that gone fer ya?” questioned Ben, establishing some eye contact. “Did ya ever find yourself ‘aving a meh connection with someone and then it ruined the sex? Whereas if you’d just focused on the sex, you would’ve ‘ad a good time.”

“I’ve tried it,” replied Callum, happy that Ben was being open. “Meaningless sex. It’s not for me. But yeah okay, I ‘ave done the other thing as well, had bad sex ‘cause I wasn’t really feeling it for the guy.”

“Doesn’t leave you with a lot of options other than findin’ the love of your life and havin’ amazin’ sex,” commented Ben, the hope that it might be him skipping through his brain.

“Yeah,” agreed Callum, thinking that it was entirely possible that it could be Ben. He ran his fingers through Ben’s hair enjoying the feel of it and thinking how familiar it was to him already.

“I’m gonna be asleep in a minute so I need to get organised, take out my contacts, ya know,” murmured Ben. He got up and padded into the bathroom. Callum opened the window and turned on the fan, then followed Ben into the bathroom, both moving around each other easily, carrying out their night-time routines.

“When you take the processor off, how do you want me to talk to you?” asked Callum, aware that, on the night he had stayed over, Ben had gone into a world of silence when he had removed the processor.

“BSL please,” said Ben, watching Callum for his reaction.

“You think yer teasin’ me but I actually know a bit. We all learned some in the kitchen fer Frankie. Is yer lip-readin’ as good as hers?” Callum grinned at Ben’s surprise. He had no idea, though, how pleased Ben was to be having this conversation where his deafness was simply part of Callum getting to know him.

“No, sorry. But if you keep it short, speak slowly, look straight at me, then I’ve got a chance.”

“How bad’s yer eyesight, though?” It was a really practical question and Ben was touched at Callum’s thoughtfulness.

“Regrettin’ yer choice of a disabled boyfriend, are ya? I can see everythin’ without my contacts … if I’m wearing my glasses … I can see without ‘em just not clearly. But I’m warnin’ ya - they’re not very sexy.”

“Let’s see,” directed Callum. Ben went to retrieve them from his bag.

“You’re wrong, they are sexy,” claimed Callum, his admiring gaze making Ben smile. Ben left them on and moved to stand in front of Callum. Callum ran his hands over Ben’s shoulders, trailing his fingers over his chest, stopping at his waist. He could feel Ben’s rising tension.

“I know it might take the spontaneity away but why don’t we agree what we’re gonna do?” suggested Callum. Ben nodded. “Yeah?” checked Callum.

“Yeah.” Ben trusted Callum.

“So this is what we do,” said Callum. “We just kiss, maybe explore each other’s bodies a bit, find those sensitive places. But no sex. Of any kind. And just to give us a fightin’ chance, keep our pants on.”

“You’re amazing,” whispered Ben, blown away by Callum’s consideration. The agreement was exactly what he needed to be able to relax and let himself become aroused, enjoying the sensation, feeling none of the nausea and panic that had been plaguing him whenever he had been turned on by Callum previously. The temptation to move his hips closer to Callum’s was irresistible but Callum placed firm hands on his hipbones and held him slightly away. No words were spoken but they both knew it was right.

As they drifted off later, bodies soft and sleepy, Ben draped over Callum, Callum traced the words _thank you_ across Ben’s shoulder.

“Thank you?” checked Ben, wondering if he’d got it right.

“Yeah, for giving us a try,” murmured Callum, then, realising Ben couldn’t hear him, made sure they were looking at each other. “Thank you for giving us a try.”

+++

The morning brought another Monday. Ben waited for a while before joining the hearing, sighted world, wanting to relish the smell and feel of Callum. He sighed contentedly into Callum’s chest and felt his boyfriend chuckle.

“You’re awake,” he said, looking up at Callum.

“Yes,” confirmed Callum.

“I’ve got to go to the car lot today,” he moaned, dragging himself out of bed. “Jay an’ me are gettin’ in some new stock but I’ll see ya later, yeah, at Ruby’s?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Callum, watching Ben head into the bathroom. He really did have the sexiest saunter. Listening to the shower, he allowed himself to fantasise about being in there with Ben. It was a mistake as he became instantly hard and then didn’t know what to do about it, not helped when Ben came out of the bathroom stark naked and proceeded to get dressed right by him.

“Alright there?” Ben chuckled as he popped in his contacts and attached his processor.

“You’re an atrocious tease,” groaned Callum, throwing his head back with the agony of it.

“I will leave you to sort yerself out,” laughed Ben as he left, stopping at the door to look back. He looked shyly at Callum. “I had a really good time. I … er … well, thank you. For everythin’.”

“Yeah, me too. An’ it’s me should be thanking you. I loved the date.” Ben nodded, clearly pleased.

“Okay. See ya later.”

It had been a fabulous date and the amazing kissing, the acceptance that they were boyfriends and the brief glimpse of Ben in all his glory reassured Callum that this was all going well.


	6. Broken

Ruby was having a house party. Her first idea was to have it on the Sunday night until Ben sought her advice over his date planning and she realised he and Callum wouldn't be there, so she moved it to the Monday. Everybody she’d ever known was invited except for her awful ex, Martin, and her former best friend, Martin’s ex-not-ex, Stacey. They were back together and Ruby did not want to see it.

She was beginning to feel a bit lonely. Apart from a short romance with Jay, until and since Martin she’d been in open relationships and the arrangement had suited her well. More or less. But now she found herself watching Ben and Callum weave their lives together and she was envious. The thought of using a dating app made her feel tired so, casting her net wide, she invited everybody she knew to invite everybody they knew to her party. And ended up with her house crammed to bursting with partygoers.

Ben and Callum arrived and struggled to get through the front door. 

“That’s not good,” observed Ben as somebody pushed past them and could be heard vomiting outside. Ruby was in the kitchen, clearly very drunk.

“I don’t knows anyone ‘ere,” she slurred, jumping in alarm as there was a shattering crash behind her. Somebody had gone into one of her kitchen cupboards, presumably looking for glasses as that was the cupboard they were in, and they had dislodged the whole shelf and broken every glass in there.

“Okay, out!” ordered Callum. “We need to clear up the broken glass.” He closed the door into the hallway and then started shoving people out through the back door into the small yard outside, turning the key in the lock when they were all gone. Ruby giggled.

“Authoritative, ain’t he?” she snorted, nudging Ben knowingly. Ben held onto her so that she didn’t cut herself while Callum set about sweeping up. He hadn’t quite finished when Whitney came flying through the door.

“I need a bucket. Or a bowl. Or somethin’. So much puke!”

“In my house?” Ruby started to cry.

“Chuck ‘em out Whit,” suggested Ben. “Don’t let ‘em be sick in the ‘ouse.” Whitney disappeared. Before long, the sound of shouting permeated through to the kitchen. Callum had swept up as best he could, and with a despairing look at Ben, he went to help Whitney. It took a while but once all the Walford East staff realised that Ruby wanted everybody but them to leave, they set about getting people out. The police arrived halfway through and helped, giving Ruby a stern telling off for letting people she didn’t know in her house. Not very stern, though. Ruby was very beautiful and her tears quickly got the officers on her side. Once the police had gone, they all set about clearing and cleaning and, before long, everything was as restored as was possible. Ruby had been sitting on the sofa drinking wine throughout and was in a state.

“I used to ‘ave a sclub. Susband. Look ats me. I’m a waistess.”

“A waistess? You are wastED,” said Ben, sitting next to her and keeping her propped up. Everybody was in the tiny living room, munching on leftover crisps and drinking leftover beers. Callum sat on the other side of him.

“I wants to smeet someone. Like Scallum but not scay,” she carried on. “Tall and fit, like Scallum. Sexy like …”

“I know, like Scallum,” laughed Ben. “But, unfortunately for you and fortunately for me, Scallum is very scay.” He grinned at Callum who rolled his eyes.

“I’m the same,” said Peter. “I can’t meet anyone. Can’t get a proper job. It’s hard out there.”

“Me too,” said Jay. “The car lot’s doin’ alright again now we’ve got twinkly eyes over there back charmin’ the punters,” he winked at Ben, “but women … I can’t meet women.”

“I can’t meet women either,” said Iqra, joining in the moaning. “And I’ve never had a proper job.” Keegan and Tiffany looked at each other and looked away sadly. They had once been married for a little more than a year, a whirlwind wedding and a marriage that ended before Tiffany’s eighteenth birthday. Other than Tiffany, Bernie and Bobby were the youngest in the crowd but, still, nineteen was quite old for neither of them to have ever had a girlfriend.

“How’s we’re all so youngs and we’s all single?” asked Whitney, almost as drunk as Ruby. They all looked at Whitney and re-evaluated their misery. She was the queen of disastrous relationships.

“I might have lost my job at the salon ‘cause of the virus so now I ‘ave to be a waitress,” said Lola sagely, also very inebriated but slightly more able to speak. “But at least … I have never shagged a Panesar.” Everybody burst out laughing and gave her a round of applause, even Iqra whose former partner was the devious Ash Panesar.

“Shagged everyone else,” muttered Jay to Peter, who nodded. They were both former partners of Lola.

Callum looked around at his crew seeing how much they were all struggling. The one thing he could do for them was make the restaurant a success. Although it seemed that it wasn’t what any of them really wanted to do, he could give them some job security.

The conversation moved on, as drunken conversations do, to a version of the game ‘kiss, marry, kill’ where the only potential candidates were Walford East staff.

“Ben, Callum, Ian,” said Ruby, without a moment’s thought.

“Hmm yeah,” agreed Whitney. “Ben, Callum, Ian.” Lola, Tiffany and Frankie all agreed. Dotty judged the game to be stupid and refused to join in. Ben watched her for a moment. She could leave but she didn’t and it made him realise that she was lost.

“How can you all pick Ben and Callum to kiss and marry when neither of them would give any of you a second look? They’re gay, you idiots,” exclaimed Jay.

“Not sure how I feel about kissin’ my uncle or killin’ my dad,” stated Peter, the beer gaining the upper hand over his sense. “But yeah, I’m up for marryin’ Callum.” He chuckled along with his audience.

“Okay, I’m in,” laughed Jay. “I will also marry Callum.”

“We’re all gonna marry Callum,” giggled Keegan. “You up for it, Bob?”

“I am.” Bobby could hardly get the words out he was laughing so hard.

“Er, the only person who’ll be marryin’ Callum is me,” protested Ben. There was a lull in the laughing and everybody looked at him interestedly. “I meant that he’s a gay man and I’m the only other gay man on the team, so it could only be me.” Everybody guffawed.

“Yeah, course that’s what you meant,” spluttered Lola.

“In the meantime, I’m available for the promised kisses,” smirked Ben, putting on his best sexy pout. He should have kept his mouth shut as they all decided to hold him to it even those who hadn’t chosen to kiss him in the first place except for Dotty who still wasn’t playing. Finally Ben leaned towards Callum for his kiss.

“I didn’t choose you,” laughed Callum, pushing him away. “An’ now I know you get around a bit, I don’t know if I’m interested.” Ben just laughed at him, mouthing “later”.

“So top three kisses, Ben,” demanded Whitney.

“Of all time?” he checked, deliberately misconstruing her question. No way was he going to be suckered into ranking those present. He might be tipsy but he wasn’t stupid. “Well, there was one on the London Eye last night, then there was one when we got home as soon as we’d shut the door and, oh my god, there was …”

“Stop!” shouted Jay. “We don’t wanna know. Really!”

“For real?” asked Tiffany, seduced by the romance of it all. “Your top three kisses of all time are all with Callum?” Ben nodded proudly.

“Aww!” cooed Lola. Of all people, she knew Ben was capable of big-hearted love.

“What about you then, Callum?” asked Keegan curiously.

“I would pick the exact same three kisses,” claimed Callum, stealing a soft look at Ben.

“He didn’t even say what the third one was,” Keegan pointed out.

“But still I know,” said Callum mysteriously. Eyes fixed on Ben, hand behind his head, he kissed him firmly, feeling Ben return the pressure, both gasping slightly.

“Get a room!” chorused the others, falling about in renewed hilarity.

“So we’ve all kissed Ben, he won’t let us marry Callum, what are we going to do about Ian?” asked Ruby.

+++

Ian decided to return. It was Monday so it was likely that there would only be Kathy at home and he wanted to talk to her.

“Ian!” Kathy’s shock was palpable as he walked through the door. “Where’ve you been?”

“I’m not stayin’ Mum. I’ve come to pack my things.” He started up the stairs without saying another word to her.

“What about Bobby and Peter?” Kathy called after him. “Oh, I get it. Ya come back on a Monday thinkin’ they’ll be out so ya don’t have to see ‘em. Yer a coward.” She returned to the living room and slumped in the chair, yet again disappointed with her elder son.

About an hour later, Ian dragged two huge suitcases down the stairs, depositing them near the back door, and came back to sit with Kathy.

“I can’t stay here,” he said despondently. Kathy could see the resignation in his body language. “You think I don’t know everyone hates me after Denny,” Ian carried on, referring to his unintended but catastrophic actions that had led to Ben’s brother’s death. “And Ben doesn’t know yet, does he?” This had been on Kathy’s mind as well. Ben was sure to discover Ian’s part in Denny’s death sooner or later and then her two sons would be at war, potentially forever. “Now there’s this tips thing,” Ian continued, “and Bobby and Peter hate me as well.”

“You’ve brought all this on yerself,” said Kathy, deciding on tough love. “Ya need to change, Ian, be a better man not run away.”

Ian pulled three envelopes out of his pocket.

“I’ve written letters,” he said. “Ben, Peter and Bobby. To explain everything. I’ll oversee the businesses remotely. Martin can manage the stall, I’ll find someone for the chippy and Callum can manage the restaurant. I’ve instructed my solicitor to contact them all with the agreements I’m proposing. You and the boys can contact me by phone or email but I’m not giving you an address. That’s it.”

Kathy looked at him sadly. If she was honest, she could understand. He had made one too many mistakes.

“There’s one more thing,” she said. “Masood wants ta sell all of his share of the restaurant to Callum. Callum’s considerin’ buyin’.”

Ian nodded.

“It’s thirty percent. It doesn’t give him control. So, yeah, okay,” he granted. Kathy sighed inside and almost said that if she gave him her thirty percent, Callum’s share would be greater than Ian’s but she saved that card for another play. “Oh, and Ben can’t have my room.” It was that final bit of fraternal spite that pushed her over the edge.

“I’M going to have your room,” she snapped, “Lola and Lexi can have mine, and Ben can have the top floor. It might be your house Ian but you won’t be paying the bills I assume. I’LL be running this house, looking after your sons, making sure they’re fed and well, and I’LL say who has which room.”

She followed Ian out and watched as he loaded his suitcases into his car.

“G’bye Mum,” he said, hand on the open car door. He didn’t even come to give her a hug. As he drove away, she doubled over, a sharp pain in her chest. Unfolding herself and taking a deep breath, she walked back into the house, heartbroken.

+++

Ben arrived back at home early the following morning to take Lexi to school. It was her first day back after the summer holidays and she was excited to start year six. Kathy hid Ian’s letter to him and silenced Bobby, Peter and Lola.

“All of this will be better discussed with Lexi out of the house,” she explained. While Ben was out, Kathy called Callum and asked him to come round.

So when Ben returned, he walked into a well-meant ambush.

“Ian came back last night,” Kathy started to explain as Ben nervously took a seat at the table where Kathy, Peter, Bobby, Lola and Callum were sitting. She went on to talk about Ian’s plans for the businesses. “Are you happy to manage Walford East, Callum?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I’ve decided to buy the share Masood is selling as well.”

Kathy smiled at him. “I know the restaurant is safe in your hands.” She took a deep breath. “Ben … Ian’s written you a letter and I think he’s going to confess to something that is going to upset you a lot. I just want you to know that the reason I didn’t tell you was because I didn’t want you to be angry and upset in prison. I was scared you might hurt yourself. I wanted to make sure you were strong before you found out.” She handed over the letter.

Ben spent a few seconds staring at the envelope and then ripped it open.

_Ben_

_You’re not going to like this._

_On the day of the boat party I found out that Dennis was behind those online posts about Bobby and was the reason he was in hospital. I was angry and confronted him in one of the rooms below deck. He’d been drinking and he wasn’t sorry so I locked him in. I went straight back there when the boat was in trouble but I dropped the key and I couldn’t find it in the water. I managed to knock through the door with a fire extinguisher and get Dennis out. I had him I was holding his hand but there was a wave as we were coming up the steps and we were separated. I couldn’t find him I looked and I couldn’t find him and well you know the rest._

_I have never been more sorry about anything in my life._

_Ian_

“Let me get this straight.” Ben’s voice was low, barely audible. “If Denny had not been locked below deck, he would be alive now. And the person who locked my brother below deck was my other brother.” He looked at Kathy, his face ashen with shock. She wasn’t surprised that this was how he interpreted the facts. It was the same as her and many others. Sharon had not spoken to Ian since she found out. So Kathy nodded. “That is seriously messed up,” he said, then looked around the table. “Did you all make yer peace with this?”

“None of us think that what Dad did was okay. How could we? But Dad was right to be angry with Denny,” explained Peter. “What he did to Bobby was near unforgiveable. Dad said he locked him in because he wasn’t sorry about what had happened to Bobby and he refused to stop drinking and Dad had promised Sharon that he would look after him. Nobody knows why the boat veered off course and crashed. Dad didn’t cause that.”

“What? The reason my brother is dead is because he was locked below deck.”

“That’s like saying he’s dead because he was on the boat,” persisted Peter.

“No!” shouted Ben, emotions finally getting the better of him. “I LOST MY BROTHER!” Callum reached for him but Ben was untouchable and he pushed away his comforting hand.

“It’s my fault,” cried Bobby, already sobbing. “I don’t know what I did but Denny hated me. Dad wouldn’t have been angry with him if it wasn’t for me.”

“No, Bobby, no,” said Ben, his voice cracked and broken. He thought back to the boat. It was already in trouble when he had been in the pilot house trying to stop his dad from killing Keanu, then he had fought with Keanu himself which was how he had ended up in the water and cracked his head on the side of the boat. He could have been saving his brother. But why had Ian been looking after Denny? Phil was there. He was Denny’s dad. Why hadn’t Phil been looking after Denny?

“I’m going to see my dad,” he said, abruptly leaving. Callum rushed out after him.

He strode across the square, briefly turning to Callum with a look that clearly told him not to follow. Hesitating for a second, he pushed through the gate and hammered on the kitchen door.

Phil didn’t even look surprised to see him. And definitely not pleased. Ben placed the letter on the kitchen table and waited for Phil to read it.

The house was tidy but looked jaded. The fashionable décor that Sharon had chosen all those years ago was now dated and Ben had a sense of Phil having been left behind. This had been Ben’s home more than anywhere else but it reeked of unhappiness and the urge to get out of there was fierce.

Finally, Phil spoke.

“So ya know now. Ya gonna avenge yer brother’s death?”

The urge to flee abruptly disappeared, replaced with an impulse to fire himself over the table and rip his dad’s head off. He HATED him. He had let Ben down over the course of his life in more ways than it was possible to count. And yet Ben understood it was a pattern. A pattern of repeated behaviour, passed down from Phil’s dad to Phil, and probably before that. A pattern that Ben would NOT be repeating. Reminding himself mentally of who he wanted to be, he stayed calm.

“I’ve got questions Dad.” Phil was hard to read. An image of a bigoted, fearful, old redneck standing on a broken porch holding a shotgun came to Ben. Phil was not just from another time, he was from another place in time. Ben couldn’t help himself feeling some sympathy – he was soft-hearted. Phil saw the change in his body language and it broke the impasse. He nodded so Ben continued. “Why weren’t you lookin’ after Denny on the boat?”

“What d’ya mean?” huffed Phil. “I was keepin’ an eye on ‘im.”

“He was thirteen and he was drinkin’ Dad. Why did ya let ‘im drink?”

“Nobody ever stopped you from ‘avin’ a drink at a party at that age and you’re fine. He was fine.” Defensive words but Ben could see that Phil was hurting and full of regret. He knew Phil had loved Denny. Probably more than he loved Ben but Ben didn’t hold that against his adoptive brother, just as he hadn’t held it against his fostered brother Jay. His erstwhile brother-in-law-to-be Keanu was another matter but the truth was that they all fit Phil’s idea of a son more than Ben.

“You didn’t know he was missing. Ian locked him below deck and YOU didn’t notice. Because, Dad, you were too busy fightin’ Keanu.” Phil’s face had returned to being as impassive as ever but a sudden thought came to Ben. “You and Keanu were fightin’ in the pilot house. Did you knock into the wheel? Did YOU make the boat veer?” The flit of emotions from Phil’s face answered Ben’s question. He felt an icy chill flow through him leaving him numb. So that was it - both Phil and Ian were responsible for Denny’s death. His dad and his brother might not have killed his young brother but they both deserved to feel guilty to the end of their days.

“Guess that’s it then, Dad,” he said. Phil wouldn’t look at him. There was nothing more to be said or done so he left.

He closed the back gate quietly and leant against it, images of happier times playing in his mind. Ben loved Phil and wanted so desperately for his better side to come to the fore but it just never, ever happened for long.

“Ben?” A voice disturbed his memories, confusing him at first because she was one of them. “You been to see yer dad?” asked Sharon. Ben waved the letter at her. He had seen Sharon behind the bar in The Vic many times since he had got out of prison and had been offended by how she had ignored him. Well, he understood now why she would want to have nothing to do with him – he was a Beale AND a Mitchell, killer families of her son.

She read the letter and handed it back to him, her hands shaking. Her pain was unbearable to watch and Ben burst into tears; noisy, blubbering sobs erupting from his fractured mind.

“Ben, Ben,” soothed Sharon, moving in and holding him close. “None of it is your fault. Denny loved you. He loved that he was your brother.” She held him in front of her and wiped his tears. “We’ve been ‘ere before, ain’t we?” she chuckled wryly. “Come on, let’s sit in the gardens. Yer dad got rid of Denny’s bench from Ian and put a new one there. I’ve not sat on it, ‘ave you?” Ben shook his head and allowed Sharon to steer him there. They sat down arm-in-arm and were silent for a few moments.

“Yer relationship with yer dad is complicated,” said Sharon eventually. “He’s no good for ya but he’s yer dad and you love ‘im, Ben.”

“I want a different future, Sharon,” said Ben quietly. “I want to be the best dad for Lexi. I want to be there when people I love need me. I want to be the person they know will help them so they turn to me an’ I’m there. I want to always be there.”

“There’s nothin’ stoppin’ ya darlin’,” encouraged Sharon. Ben looked at her, anxiety and distress written across his face.

“The past is stoppin’ me,” he cried. “Mistakes, bitterness, misery … … I’ve met someone,” he admitted suddenly.

“Yeah, I’ve seen you together,” smiled Sharon. “He’s a lovely man that Callum.”

“And that’s it, isn’t it?” said Ben, a frantic edge to his voice. “Too lovely for someone as messed up as me. I can’t pull this off, Sharon.”

“Ben, now you listen to me.” Sharon turned to face him and held his chin in her hand, eyes fixed firmly on him. “You just said you want a different future. Callum might be the path you follow to the end or he might be the path you follow for now. But he IS the right direction. If he asks you to go with him, just say yes. Don’t sabotage it, darlin’.”

“You were always my favourite stand-in mum,” smiled Ben, getting hold of the hand that had been holding his face and kissing it warmly.

“Well, ya know where I am,” laughed Sharon before becoming serious again. “You’ll always be a part of me, darlin’. Don’t be a stranger.”

Ben sat on the bench for a little longer, gathering together his broken pieces and stowing them safely in his poor mind. He wanted to curl up and cry. A good place for that would be Callum’s arms.


	7. Gold

Callum was back in his bedsit, the events of the morning leaving him confused and worried for Ben. He stood in the big bay window looking out and saw Ben in the gardens with Sharon, the landlady of the pub. There had been no sign that they were close so, although Callum was starting to construct a map of Ben’s many and complex relationships and Sharon was on this, he was surprised to see them so connected. Sharon left and he watched Ben fall and pick himself up, not physically but it happened. Callum’s heart wrenched at the turmoil he was witnessing and he wanted to run out there and scoop him up. Then Ben was walking in his direction and he willed him to look up, to see him and to know that this was a place he would find solace. The telepathy worked and Ben looked up, saw him and then he was running. Callum opened the doors and pulled Ben inside as soon as he reached the top of the steps and held him tight. Ben’s body was shaking and desperate and Callum carefully manoeuvred them to the small settee, sitting Ben across his lap and enveloping him in his arms.

Callum had put music on when he returned to the flat, a playlist of his all-time favourites, and he realised Ben was listening to it as they sat wrapped together.

“Old tunes,” Ben commented. “Good old tunes. I’d think it was stuff yer parents played but I’m guessing not, eh? Not for you.”

Callum wondered for a moment why they were talking about him when it was clear, to him at least, that they needed to talk about Ben, then it occurred to him that Ben needed a breather.

“Grandad,” he said. “I had a grandad.” Memories of his grandad were like a comfort blanket for Callum.

“Yeah? What was he like?”

“Amazin’. Lovin’. Liked his tunes an’ his food. He was older than most other people’s grandads, born in nineteen twenty. Was a soldier in the second world war in Italy and North Africa. I used to love listenin’ to ‘im.” There was a momentary pause. “Dad wouldn’t let us see much of ‘im when I was growin’ up. He was my mum’s dad. But when I was on leave, I stayed with ‘im. He died suddenly when I was on deployment. Dad and Stu didn’t tell me an’ I missed the funeral.” Callum took a deep, shuddering breath as he remembered and Ben’s sympathy instantly kicked in as he scattered kisses on Callum’s cheek.

“Where’s he buried?”

“East London Cemetery. I ‘aven’t been there in a while.” Callum caught Ben’s look. “What, now?”

“Yeah,” smiled Ben. “Jay can cover the lot today, you don’t ‘ave to be in until three, so …”

“I’m supposed to be comforting YOU. I saw you out there and, well, ya looked like ya needed to be held.”

“It will comfort me to do somethin’ for you,” confessed Ben. “It ‘elps me stop feelin’ like such a wreck.” He jumped up and pulled Callum to his feet. “You can hold me later,” he murmured seductively.

The cemetery was only a bus ride away. They sat on the bus, Callum with his arm around Ben, Ben nestled in his shoulder, sneaking occasional kisses, oblivious to the disapproving glances from a couple of old women. They’d picked up flowers from the market. Callum’s grandad had been keen on his garden and Callum knew exactly what he wanted in the posy, delighting Ben with his pickiness. During the journey, he glanced down, seeing the freckles bridging Ben’s nose and cheeks, his eyelashes soft above them, the bunch of flowers held firmly in his hand below and he realised he was in love with this man. He hoped he would get to tell him.

They spent an hour at the cemetery, Callum telling stories about his grandad, Ben facing him on the bench, knees tucked up to his chin, listening avidly and watching Callum’s happiness. As they walked back to the bus, Ben’s thoughts returned to his dad.

“I love my dad,” he said. Callum’s arm instantly came around him, pulling him closer. Ben laughed. “Yeah, you’re right. You do need to protect me from my worst instincts. I found out today that Ian locked my brother in a room below deck and my dad was fightin’ and knocked into the wheel which caused the boat to crash. They both played a part in Denny’s death.”

“How d’ya think they feel about that?” asked Callum carefully. He wanted to focus on Ben and, in truth, didn’t care about Phil or Ian. But Ben did and that was important.

“I think it has destroyed both of them. Yeah, they’re both carryin’ on, tryin’ to live but … it’s ‘ow I am about Heather … who I killed. So I get it.”

“Tell me about that,” said Callum softly. Ben told his story and Callum heard about a damaged, distraught and angry boy who had lashed out with devastating consequences. He maintained his close hold of Ben wanting him to know that there was no judgement.

“You respect the victim by changing yer ways,” he declared. “You ‘ave. Yer dad and Ian ‘aven’t.” Ben looked at him questioningly. “Yer dad didn’t look after Denny. An’ he didn’t look after you when ya lost yer ‘earin. Yeah, I know,” he said, silencing Ben, “he didn’t force you into the warehouse job, but he did because he made his love conditional on you bein’ how HE wanted you to be. An’ Ian.” Callum’s face puckered in disgust. “Ian thinks ‘e can do whatever ‘e wants. He ‘ad no right to lock Denny up but ‘e thought ‘e did so he did it. An’ ‘e just goes on doin’ whatever ‘e pleases.”

“Sounds so easy,” said Ben, dejectedly. “All I ‘ave to do is change me ways.” Callum stopped and turned to face him, hands securely on his shoulders.

“Ben, you’ve already changed yer ways. Yer like one of those Japanese vases. If they get broken, they’re glued together with gold and they’re even more beautiful and valuable than before.” Ben’s smile went from ear to ear.

“Yer a proper ray of sunshine, Callum Highway, you know that?” he laughed, lifted high by the analogy.

“Yeah,” grinned Callum. “It’s so I can make yer gold bits shine.”

“Right,” smiled Ben, loving the feel of Callum’s devotion. “So where do we get the gold to mend me?” We. Callum heard the jointness of the endeavour and put his hands around Ben’s face.

“We’ve got it already,” he murmured as he kissed him.

+++

Ben stopped working at the restaurant as the car lot became busier. He also made the decision to reopen The Arches. Seeing Phil had awakened an assertiveness in him and he left a note for his dad unequivocally telling him to keep his shady dealings away from the garage. Then he approached Dotty.

“You worked there before,” he replied when she asked him why he had chosen her.

“That’s not it. Why me, Ben? Do ya think I’ll be doin’ work fer yer dad? Nick Cotton’s daughter on the wrong side of the law an’ all that.” Dotty was unused to anybody giving her any thought let alone a kind thought.

“Look at you Dotty. Yer’ve moved out of yer nan’s house ‘cause of an argument, yer nan’s in Ireland so can’t ‘elp ya. Yer’ve got a degree in engineering and yer waiting tables. Yer life’s hardly on track.” He tried desperately to channel his inner Callum. Callum would have aced this conversation. “Everyone needs a break in life and I want to give one to you. My dad’s nowhere near this. Listen, I know what it is to ‘ave a dad who’s a wrong ‘un. How it makes everyone look at you a certain way.”

“Your life is nothin’ like mine,” snapped Dotty, then she threw her head backwards in frustration. She didn’t want to be a charity case but she wanted this job. “Okay … okay!” she conceded grumpily.

Building the business took a lot of focus, second to Lexi but ahead of Callum. Ben recognised his work-life balance was off but didn’t know what to do about it. He and Callum made Sunday night their night and lay together, sometimes at Callum’s flat, sometimes in Bed’s attic bedroom at the Beales, always at least partly clothed, and kissed and cuddled, forgetting their pressures momentarily. But they were stuck and Ben wanted more but didn’t know how to move them on. Aware that at least part of this was to do with him, he arranged to see a counsellor.

It had always seemed like Ian did nothing at the restaurant but running it without him challenged Callum. Shattered at the end of evening service and now doing all of them meant he went home so desperate for sleep that Ben was not getting much attention. He stopped going out with the team on a Monday, feeling that he needed to maintain a distance as their boss, but he missed the friendships and felt like he was losing an important part of himself.

This went on for a couple of months until Iqra, Ruby and Peter took Callum aside.

“You’re not yourself Callum,” said Iqra. “You’re working too much and you’re doing jobs you don’t need to do. Peter can manage the bar and Ruby can manage the waiting team with minimal oversight from you. And I don’t need you in the kitchen every night of the week.

“You need to allow work time for managing the restaurant, not use your days off,” urged Ruby. “You’ll be better for us if you spend some time on yourself.”

Callum knew they were right. He mentally berated himself for turning into the kind of boss he hated, someone who tried to do everybody’s job for them. Now it was time to trust his team and step back a bit. He missed his friends but most of all he wanted time to build his relationship with Ben.

“We miss you, mate,” said Peter. “Dotty, Bobby, Bernie, Tiff and Keegan have started doin’ their own stuff on a Monday – there’s a new bar for under twenty-fives that they’re all into – and Lola’s always with Isaac, Whitney’s got a new fella, Frankie’s savin’ and is doin’ extra shifts at The Vic so there’s just us and Jay. So … next Monday we’re goin’ to the pub quiz at The Vic, we need six and you and Ben are on our team.”

“Sounds great!” grinned Callum. “I’m sorry guys … about interferin’ and, ya know, bein’ too much … Iqra, you do the kitchen rota in future.”

+++

“We can’t make a name out of our initials,” Ben pointed out, bored with the discussion about their quiz team name. “We’ve only got one vowel.”

“Remind me - what was your suggestion? The Benders? Er, I don’t think so,” dismissed Jay.

“Half of us are gay,” protested Ben. “Why shouldn’t we be represented?” He blew a kiss at Iqra to affirm their gay solidarity. Callum sat back, grinning and sipping his beer, enjoying Ben in this playful mood.

“It needs to be a pun,” advised Jay, “like Win or Booze.” Everybody groaned.

“It NEEDS to be rude,” said Ben, throwing a saucy smirk at Callum who caught it appreciatively, sending him a wink-blink back, causing Iqra to choke on her drink.

“The Scoregasms,” laughed Peter. “Or better, Multiple Scoregasms.”

“Getting’ Quizzicle,” suggested Ruby, chuckling. “Quizzicle Attraction.” She gave Ben a shove as he rolled his eyes. “Can you do any better?” He raised his eyebrows suggestively and they both giggled.

“The Cunning Linguists,” offered Ben, chortling helplessly by now. “Not that I ‘ave any idea about that. Or … I’ve got it,” he crowed jubilantly, “Coming From Behind! Yes?”

“No!” laughed Sharon as she approached the table, giving Ben an affectionate cuff around the head, followed by a quick kiss to the top of his head. “Keep it clean, ya shameless lot.”

“The Shameless Nameless,” suggested Callum.

“The Great Leader has spoken,” teased Ruby, “ and so it shall be.” Sighing at the affected bowing going on in front of him, Callum wrote their name on the sheet and handed it to Sharon with a shy smile. He knew her from the pub but didn’t actually know her.

“Thank you, Callum,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes and giving him a stroke on the cheek. She had never taken any notice of him before now and he was a little taken aback. With a gentle tweak to Ben’s cheek, she was gone.

It was a fun evening, especially as they turned out to be a strong team with their disparate interests and ended up winning first prize which was a bottle of wine each. They decided to go back to Ruby’s house, order pizza and drink their winnings.

“I have eaten way too much,” complained Ben later, displaying his rotund tummy. “It’s like Christmas dinner when you haven’t got room for pudding but still it goes in.” The conversation died. “What? What did I say wrong?” asked Ben, worriedly looking at everybody in turn.

“Last Christmas was a bit of washout, mate,” said Jay. “The one before weren’t any better.”

“Won’t the restaurant be open?” asked Iqra. “Don’t we do Christmas dinner just for Christmas Day? I’m happy to work. I have nowhere to be on Christmas Day.”

“Yeah,” said Callum brightly, trying to lift the mood. “I’m always on me own for Christmas so anyone who …”

“You’ll be with me on Christmas Day,” asserted Ben firmly, although actually he felt a little hurt. Why did Callum think he’d be on his own for Christmas? Didn’t he want to be with him? “You won’t be on yer own.” Callum saw immediately that he’d upset Ben but he didn’t want a private conversation to be had in front of everybody so he stalled.

“Yeah … I er … erm … we’ll talk about it later, yeah?”

“Jay,” said Ben, blocking out Callum and going back to what Jay had said. “Where’d ya go for Christmas last year?”

“I worked at the restaurant, Ben, and the one before I stayed home and played Fifa.”

“Ruby?”

“I was at the restaurant as well. We don’t all have big families to scoop us up, Ben.”

Ben hung his head and Callum reached for him, pulling him closer.

“I’m gonna be with you,” he promised him, then addressed everybody. “But I do have an idea. I’ll talk to Kathy and see how she feels, an’ it will depend on that, but we could do something different on Christmas Day at the lunch service. So, have a big table for us and anyone we want with us, make it festive an’ everything, somethin’ for the soup kitchen an’ a buffet in the restaurant for anyone who’s on their own at Christmas. They can book a seat at a table an’ if there’s a good atmosphere it should be okay, yeah?”

“It’s a brilliant idea,” affirmed Peter. “Ben and me will help you persuade Nan, but I don’t think she’ll take much persuadin’ an’ it’s right up Bobby’s street. He’ll love the idea. Especially if we cook up somethin’ for the soup kitchen.”

+++

Kathy, predictably, loved the idea.

“An’ it means I don’t have to cook a Christmas lunch,” she said, extremely pleased. “But we’re gonna have breakfast ‘ere an’ open presents an’ what ‘ave you? You will be ‘ere, Callum?” Belatedly, she realised her presumption and looked at Ben in alarm.

“It’s alright Mum, I’ve asked ‘im.”

“Well, I’m not sure I was asked,” corrected Callum, grinning at Ben. “It was more ‘you’ll be with me on Christmas Day’,” he said, mimicking Ben accurately.

+++

Later that week, they were at the Beales watching telly, alone except for Lexi in bed upstairs.

“I have never bought a Christmas present in my life,” said Callum. “Or received one as an adult. I’m looking forward to it. The giving bit especially.” Ben was lying with his head across Callum’s lap, gently stroking the arm that lay on his chest. That bombshell made him pause and he turned his head to look up at Callum.

“You know you’re amazin’. You’ve ‘ad a shit, old life and there you are sprinklin’ yer fairy dust and shinin’ yer sunbeam smile on everyone. Me, on the other ‘and, I’m likely to rain ma miserable tears on ya.”

“Makin’ a rainbow, us together then,” laughed Callum.

“An’ ain’t that the truth,” said Ben, jumping up and straddling Callum, grinding him gently. This was new and Callum held his breath and closed his eyes, wanting to hold onto the moment. He prayed that Ben would stay relaxed even for a short time so that they could enjoy this. The pressure on his lap intensified and he felt Ben nuzzling his neck, sucking softly at the skin there. His mind went fast into a tailspin. Ben knew his neck was sensitive. He knew. Which meant he was doing this consciously and deliberately. Callum’s eyes sprang open and caught Ben looking straight at him, eyes dark, cheeks flushed, looking as sexy as he’d ever looked. Callum couldn’t stop himself. He was hard already, not just hard but straining and desperate.

“Oh god Ben, I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Sorry that you’re massively turned on?” murmured Ben, back at his neck. “I’m not.” He turned Callum to lay on the settee and straightened his legs to lay on top of him. “I’m not sorry.” And Callum felt him then. They stared at each other for a moment and then crashed their lips together, a clumsy, desire-fuelled, desperate kiss.

Callum thought his head just might explode. Every nerve-ending he had was on fire. But he had to calm this down. He did not want to frighten Ben.

“You’re holding back,” accused Ben, stopping and looking at Callum.

“I want you so much I’m in danger of losing control … an’ I don’t wanna come on too strong …” He had no idea what Ben wanted.

“So let’s do what we do and decide how far this is going to go,” suggested Ben, resuming his position. “Snogging, yes. And, to add to our repertoire, frottage.” There was a twinkle in his eyes and a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. Callum loved to see it; it definitely looked like he was having a good time.

“Frott what? What’s that?”

“Rubbin’ up against … ah … someone, both of ya with yer … er, with yer … clothes on, as … as a way of getting off … ahh … sexually.” Ben was demonstrating the idea as he was talking and Callum could hear that he was alright, more than alright even, so he relaxed into it. It was tantalisingly short as very soon, in what seemed like no time, he was coming.

Ben watched Callum as his eyes rolled back and his mouth dropped open. His cheeks were flushed and his hair had flopped forward. He took a deep, gasping breath and held it, licking his lips once, his body shuddering and his fingers holding tight onto Ben. Ben continued to watch, enthralled. He had never watched a lover like this, almost as a voyeur. It was wonderful. Then Callum’s breath hitched once, twice and he let it out slowly, scrunching his eyes shut like he was in ecstatic agony.

“Wow, beautiful,” murmured Ben, colouring with embarrassment when Callum opened his eyes and caught him watching. Callum looked flustered.

“Hmm. A bit messy,” he grimaced. “I … er … I’m just gonna …” He dragged himself off the sofa and fled up the stairs.

Ben tidied up a little, grabbed two beers and went upstairs himself. The shower stopped just as he passed the bathroom. He had a quick look in on Lexi on his way up to the top floor. Getting changed into his pyjamas, he heard Callum on his way up the stairs. He had borrowed Ben’s bathrobe and gave a slight start when he walked into the room and saw Ben.

“Didn’t hear ya come up,” he said, surreptitiously pulling on pyjama bottoms before taking off the robe. Pulling on a t-shirt, he joined Ben, sitting up against the headboard. He looked upset.

“I’m not doin’ it fer you, am I?” Callum pulled his knees up and hugged them tightly, his face distressed and hurting. Ben put his drink down and scuttled up close to him.

“What? No, you do. What d’ya mean?”

“Look at me,” said Callum. “I want you so bad I’m comin’ in about twenty seconds. In ma pants, for god’s sake.” He buried his face in his thighs. “But you,” he mumbled, “nothin’.”

“My manhood might not be the glorious beast that yours is but … nothin’?” He wanted Callum to laugh at the flippant comment and was rewarded with a huffed laugh and a slight shake of the head. “Actually, I got distracted watchin’ you come. It was beautiful. I’ve never watched anyone before. Always been a bit selfish, all about my own satisfaction. An’ I thought, you’d have to trust someone a lot to let ‘em watch. That’s you ‘n’ me, Callum.” Callum looked up at him then.

“I trust you. D’you trust me?” he asked.

“Completely but, please Callum, you know I’m a bit messed up about all of this stuff. Railin’ against ya was a big step forward. I let go. I was hard. It’s a lot.”

Callum’s face fell and he leaned forward and pulled Ben towards him, holding him close.

“I keep tellin’ ya that I’m not gonna rush ya an’ then I do. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Ben held on, breathing in everything that was this incredible man.

“It’s actually kinda hot that you’ve got it so bad fer me. But … what will ya do if I never match ya? If I can’t keep ya satisfied? You’re gonna let me go, aren’t ya? An’ I’d want ya to.”

Callum had not intended to utter the words until the time was right, a romantic and special time, but he needed Ben to know.

“The thing is Ben … … I love you.”


	8. Naked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick heads up: this chapter does not end in a good place. I'm going to post the next chapter later today so you might like to wait.  
> Or if you're an angst whore, get reading ....

“What?” whispered Ben, pulling away so that he could see Callum’s face.

Callum closed his eyes to shut out the scrutiny. Had he just made yet another mistake?

“I love you,” he repeated, opening his eyes and fixing them on Ben. “I do. I love yer big, soft heart, yer honesty and yer love for everyone close to ya. I love yer playfulness and yer wit. You make me laugh. With you, I’m happy, happier than I’ve ever been. I love kissin’ ya, holdin’ ya. You’re gorgeous with yer sexy smirk and the way you move. I could watch you all day. An’ … if that means I ‘ave to come in my pants, well, then that’s okay.”

Ben’s face had been soft with awe but his mouth twitched at the last sentence and he chuckled.

“It’s not gonna come to that,” he promised, holding Callum’s hands. “But just so’s you know, I fell for you in yer dorky t-shirt the first time I saw ya. And it’s wasn’t just ‘cause yer fit as. When ya ran yer fingers through my hair at the bowlin’, I fell a bit more. An’ a bit more when ya told me I needed to be held and then ya sent me those texts about holdin’ me. An’ it’s gone on, with me fallin’ harder and deeper every time you smile at me or play with my hair or hold me tight. Now I can’t remember when I fell in love with you. I just know it’s true. I love you.”

“You don’t like my t-shirts?” asked Callum.

“That was yer takeaway from my heartfelt speech?” laughed Ben. Callum grinned.

“C’m’ere,” he said, lying back on the pillows. Ben shuffled up to lie with him, snuggling in close as Callum brought his arm around him and lifting his face, brushing tender lips against Callum’s. Callum responded by deepening the kiss and turning his body to face Ben. Soon they were pressed tight against each other, legs entwined, kissing like it was what they were born to do.

+++

When they woke in the morning, Callum and Ben were not alone.

Callum woke first and, half-asleep, reached across for Ben.

“Ow!” screeched a young voice. It was so unexpected and so far from his experience that Callum jumped out of the bed in fright. “You hit me,” accused Lexi.

“Sorry, darlin’,” soothed Callum, checking underneath her hand as it held her cheek to see what damage he’d done.

“Bit dramatic Lex,” admonished Ben, just waking and seeing her clutching her supposedly injured face. “Are you hurt?”

“No,” she chirruped happily, pulling Callum back into the bed and snuggling down between him and Ben, reminding Callum of Ben’s snuggling. Could it be genetic? Lexi continued babbling and Ben reached for his processor and his glasses. “Are we still going to the Christmas market today? Did you get the day off work, Callum? Are we going to go on the rides? Not you, me. You’re too big. Can I buy things? I’ve got money.” It seemed she expected answers from Callum and he looked across her at Ben who raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“Yes, yes, yes an’ ask yer dad,” replied Callum, giving his attention back to Lexi. She gazed at him, clearly impressed, and then turned to Ben.

“THAT’S how to answer questions,” she told him. “Not like you. ‘We’ll see, maybe, depends’ is how YOU answer questions. Can I spend my money?”

“We’ll see,” teased Ben, pulling an outraged face to match Lexi’s. She turned back to Callum.

“Are you making pancakes for breakfast? Daddy said you would.”

“Of course, darlin’. Oh, okay, you mean now,” he said, as Lexi was up and heading out of the door, gesturing for him to follow.

Ben lay in bed thinking for a while after they’d gone. This was getting serious. He’d fallen in love with someone his daughter already adored. If it didn’t work out between him and Callum, then Lexi would be affected. He knew the rules: you don’t introduce your children to your partner until you’re confident you’re going to last. But Lexi already knew Callum; Callum wasn’t just Ben’s boyfriend, he was a friend of Lola, Peter and Bobby, friendships forged before Ben met him. He part-owned a business with Ben’s mum and brother. Callum’s life and Ben’s were almost inextricably linked almost as though he was already part of the family.

Downstairs, Callum and Lexi rustled up a breakfast feast. Smelling the bacon, the household drifted downstairs to find Lexi waiting at the bottom of the stairs to take their drinks order. Soon, they were all seated at the table with the drink of their choice and a mound of pancakes in front of them, topped with bacon, blueberries and maple syrup. Callum had done banana instead of bacon and made pancakes without eggs and with almond milk for Peter, remembering he was vegan, and served it without a comment. Ben observed Peter’s appreciation and resolved to cut his usual ribbing of Peter’s food choices. Kathy saw that everybody was relaxed and happy this morning. She loved Ian but she knew he would have spoiled this mood; he would have said something critical or cutting and it occurred to her that things were easier without him around. She noticed that Callum and Ben were full of soft looks and shy smiles. They were very obviously in love and her heart soared. 

+++

It was one of those clear, blue autumn days that make you glad to be alive; it was Callum’s favourite time of year. There was an iciness in the air that nipped at his face, pinching him to check that this was his real life, spending the day with Ben and Lexi. The wooden stalls sold a range of unusual gifts and, listening to the pair of them endlessly discussing what they liked and what they were going to buy, he was able to get a good idea of what he could buy for the people on his list. He was a little disappointed that Lexi didn’t believe in Santa – that would have been fun.

“I’m just gonna head off for a few minutes,” said Ben as Lexi climbed on a bright pink horse on the carousel. “She’ll be alright if she sees you’re ‘ere.” And he was gone. Callum had a notion that he was probably chasing round the stalls picking up everything that Lexi had so deliberately pointed out. It turned out that so did Lexi. She got off the carousel and found Callum.

“Has Dad gone to buy my presents?” she asked presumptuously.

“No,” replied Callum casually, taking the opportunity to tease her. “I think he’s gone to get mine.” Lexi looked dubious.

“Hmm,” she contemplated. “Maybe both of our presents? But … you didn’t tell him what you wanted.”

“I want to see what he chooses,” explained Callum. “I like a surprise.”

“Hmm … risky!” stated Lexi. “I bet you’ve had loads of presents you don’t like.” Callum didn’t want to burst her bubble so didn’t tell her of his paucity of presents past.

“Why don’t we go and buy somethin’ fer yer dad? While ‘e’s not ‘ere?” He sent a quick text to Ben arranging to meet him twenty minutes later at the hot chocolate bar and he and Lexi set off.

By the time they joined Ben, they were completely in cahoots. Ben watched them approaching and saw Callum giggling as Lexi held his hand, talking and dancing around in front of him so that she could see his face, gesticulating wildly with her free hand gripping her shopping bags tightly. Their delighted expressions and conspiratorial side-looks when they reached him made him feel warm inside.

By the time they got home, Lexi was exhausted; they’d eaten out and she had almost fallen asleep at the table. Lola relieved them of their sleepy charge and Ben and Callum wandered over to Callum’s bedsit.

“I love how you and Lex are together,” said Ben appreciatively, shivering in the chilly room and flicking the heater on. “You really are the perfect boyfriend, aren’t ya?”

“We don’t do perfect, remember,” murmured Callum, intent on getting on with the evening and moving closer to Ben. They fell on the sofa and traded lazy kisses and lustful looks.

“I’m gonna take ma jeans off,” announced Callum with a hopeful smile. “Just in case.”

“Ya can take mine off,” suggested Ben. “If you like.”

“Oh I like,” confirmed Callum, keeping his eyes pinned on Ben as he deftly undid the button and zip of his own jeans then Ben’s, then pushed his off and slipped Ben’s down, unable to resist running his fingers over the tight hips revealed. Callum liked to wear boxers but Ben wore close fitting shorts and Callum glanced at them appreciatively. Ben always dressed to allure and his pants were further evidence of that.

“We gettin’ naked tonight?” asked Ben. He went for a saucy, confident tone but Callum recognised that he needed to know.

“You up for that?” asked Callum, lifting Ben’s t-shirt over his head and pressing a kiss to his collar bone.

“Bit too late for me to say no,” complained Ben playfully.

“Yer’ve still got yer pants an’ socks on. Don’t know what yer moanin’ about,” teased Callum. But he slowed down and returned to the easy snogging. Ben expertly undid the buttons of Callum’s shirts and pushed it off his shoulders, all the time engrossed in their kissing. He wanted to feel that he could do this so he took charge and pulled Callum to standing and pushed him on the bed. Callum’s eyes sparkled as Ben removed his socks and then his boxers. Ben trailed his gaze over Callum’s body and, eventually, he dragged his eyes upwards and held eye contact as he took off his own socks and then his pants, watching as Callum’s eyes dropped to look at him. It was as sexually charged as anything he’d ever done and he was well on his way. So was Callum.

Callum’s legs were hanging over the edge of the bed and Ben nudged them open with his knees, standing between them. It was a beautiful sight and Callum groaned with pleasure and came up to sitting, his head twirling with euphoria as his hands caressed Ben. “How is this?”

“Yeah, this is good. You are beautiful, Callum. Your body is somethin’ else. Can I just explore?” He took Callum’s frantic groan as a yes.

“Ben,” whispered Callum, trailing his fingers across Ben’s hipbones and kissing his tummy. “You’ve got to talk to me. I need to know you’re okay with whatever we’re doing. It might be a bit weird but we’re goin’ to talk all the way through this.”

“I’m just enjoying what yer fingers and yer lips are doin’. It’s ‘ard to concentrate on talkin’.” They lay together on the bed and Ben quickly realised that he just had to make positive noises and Callum would stop asking him how he was coping. Having time to simply look at a lover’s body was not something he had done before and he relished it. Callum was gorgeous. Ben nibbled at his neck and was rewarded with desperate little moans when he kissed the right spot; it was addictive. Was it possible to be addicted to a sound? He caressed his hips and his thighs, watching spellbound as Callum became increasingly aroused. The thought of getting his mouth around Callum came into his head … and that was when the panic started.

Callum was confused now and could see that Ben looked upset. He reached for him but too late as, without words, he was off the bed and into the bathroom. Several minutes went by and eventually Callum decided to go in.

“Ben, I’m coming in,” he announced and opened the door. There was no window in the bathroom and Ben had not turned on the light, so it took him a moment to locate him, sitting between the toilet and the sink with his head buried in his knees. He knelt beside him.

“Talk to me, Ben,” he urged, gently lifting his head. Ben had been crying again.

“I’m really, really not what you’re after, Callum,” he said, pain etched on his face.

“How did we get from such beautiful intimacy to that?” questioned Callum.

“You don’t want me. I’m too … used up. A cuddle, a sweet kiss, you can do that but will you ever want to fuck me? Knowin’ who’s been there before ya?”

“Yes,” answered Callum. Easy question. “What went on back there on the bed?” he asked gently. Ben took a breath. He had to tell him or they would never move forward.

“Your cock is so beautiful and I started to imagine blowin’ you and then … there was a whooshin’ in my ears, and I couldn’t breathe.” Unbidden, unwelcome memories flooded his head and he felt his insides seize up, the pain too much to handle. He wanted to move on, though, and that meant talking to Callum. He buried his head again so that he didn’t have to see his boyfriend’s face. “Callum – I had to give a lot of head inside. Disgusting, dirty knobs. I don’t want the mouth that did that to be the mouth that does you.”

Callum didn’t ask what would have happened if he’d refused.

“WHEN we go there,” he said, his voice calm and confident, hoping to soothe and reassure Ben, “it will be when we’re both happy and excited about it. There will be no power play. And most importantly it’ll be when you’re ready. And that is not now.”

Ben’s lip was wobbling and tears fell freely down his face.

“You don’t want to fuck me?”

Callum sighed. “Yes I do. I really do. But not like this. I need you to be happy about it.”

“What if I’m never happy about it?” Ben whispered. This was his big fear.

“Then we won’t do it. We’ll find our own things that we enjoy.”

“I’ve got some serious issues, Callum.” Callum thumbed away Ben’s tears and gently lifted his head so that they were looking straight at each other. He wanted to help him.

“Would professional help make a difference?” Callum knew full well that Ben had experienced unthinkable trauma and he wondered if there should be somebody more qualified than him for Ben to tell. He still wanted Ben to talk to him but, if he needed therapeutic help, he should get it.

“I am gettin’ professional help,” said Ben a little guiltily. “I know I shoulda told ya. I am improvin’ Callum, I promise. But I’ve … I’ve been really scared … really scared … petrified … of getting’ with someone. I feel so … finished, so used up.”

“It could be that you’re not so much used up as you need time to refuel.” Callum continued to stroke Ben’s arm. Ben nodded but didn’t look particularly convinced as he looked up at Callum.

“My counsellor said … suggested … that it might be good for you to see ‘im. So he can ‘elp you process it. I’m worried yer gonna push it all to the back of yer mind and then, one day, it’ll come forward and you won’t ...”

“Yeah, I’m ‘appy to see ‘im,” Callum interrupted. He would do whatever it took if it helped Ben get to a better place.

+++

Callum’s visit to the counsellor was much harder than he anticipated. It was a brutal, bruising encounter and made him realise that he had indeed been avoiding thinking about what Ben might have been through. He didn’t like to think about it. Who would?

“He was a different person inside,” he argued, faced with the harsh reality.

“You think it wasn’t Ben that made those decisions?” asked Brendan, the counsellor. Callum didn’t know what to say. Ben had explained to him why he had allowed himself to be used and abused. He knew it was Ben, his Ben, that had made those decisions; if he was in the same position, he would make the same decisions again, so it was definitely him, not a different Ben.

“It’s not part of our life.” Even as he said it, he knew he was wrong. It was part of Ben’s life so it was part of their life. The fact that he had unresolved issues with Ben’s past was becoming increasingly apparent to him so he agreed to further sessions.

He and Ben returned to chaste kissing. It was nice. Comfortable. They spent most nights together wrapped in each other’s arms. Occasionally, their bodies betrayed them and their hearts raced as they obeyed the imperatives shouted from every cell in their bodies. But Callum inevitably slowed them down. He didn’t know where Ben was up to and he didn’t have the clarity he’d once had himself; he conceded that they weren’t near to a place where it was safe to step things up physically. 

Ben was starting to think that Callum didn’t want him. His counselling was edging him nearer to acceptance and understanding how he could help himself. Callum’s counselling, it seemed to Ben, was edging him further away. His confidence weakened.

Christmas was fast approaching and Callum busied himself with the Christmas dinner plans. The counselling sessions were distressing him and it helped a lot that his work was such an effective distraction. Then, when Ben asked him what was the matter, he could honestly answer that the Christmas dinner project was causing him stress.

Ben was not fooled. Every time Callum saw Brendan, he was withdrawn and confused and Ben felt responsible for this. He tried to talk to Callum about it but he was told it was fine, that Callum was fine, that everything would be fine. It was killing him inside and he didn’t know what to do. Brendan didn’t help him at all.

“You say Callum has told you everything is fine. Why do you think it isn’t?”

“Because I can tell. I know him. He’s pulling away from me. I can feel it.”

“Do you want to let him pull away?”

“No!” But Ben wanted Callum to make his own mind up. “If he wants to, if that’s what he really wants, then yes.”

The thought of losing Callum made him feel sick. He wanted to change something, do something radical to drag them out of the quagmire they were in.

And so he made his big mistake. And Callum found out.

Callum and he were snuggled on the sofa late one night at the Beale’s house and he was showing Callum pictures of Lexi’s Christmas concert at school. Ben had been near the back of the hall and Callum took the phone to zoom in and see Lexi more clearly. Ben watched his face light up as he saw her enthusiastic face. He loved Callum’s interest in Lexi.

“I wish I could’ve come,” Callum said wistfully, closing the photos app and handing the phone back to Ben … almost. At the last moment, he frowned and pulled the phone back towards him for a closer look, turning to stare at Ben in disbelief. “What’s this?”

Ben’s heart stopped.

“Ben?”

Ben hung his head, his mind frozen in panic. Callum got hold of his chin and forced him to look up.

“A dating app, Ben? … … No, no, that’s NOT what it is. A hook-up app. THAT’S what it is.” He pulled away and looked at Ben, appalled. “I was giving you time to recover. I wanted to wait. For you.” Ben’s head imploded, the internal noise taking over and preventing him from formulating a rational response. Callum stared at him: disbelieving, then hurt, then defeated. Finally, Ben found his voice.

“Callum, you’ve got it wrong. It’s not what you think. I need …”

“You obviously need to get what you need elsewhere,” snapped Callum, his voice angry but his face oozing anguish, features contorted in pain as he stared at Ben. “I have to look after myself Ben. I do that by makin’ sure I nurture all the things that make my life good an’ I reject the things that hurt me. I’m too hurt already. Don’t you see me? Don’t you?” That Callum was devastated was abundantly clear. “The part of me that is broken and is in just as much pain as you, the me that will never be able to forget not being loved. Don’t you see it? I thought you saw it … … I … I can’t do this, Ben. I can’t.”

“What? No!” exclaimed Ben, scrabbling to get closer to Callum. Callum pushed him away and stood up, taking a few swift steps backwards.

“No, Ben. Don’t talk. Don’t try to explain yerself. Just … just leave me alone.”

He turned quickly and left the house.


	9. Giving

Ben grabbed his coat and chased after him. There was no way he was letting this misunderstanding take Callum from him.

Rain persistently pelted down outside, almost sleet it was so cold. The huge Christmas tree in the square was shrouded in darkness. Normally, its twinkling lights cast good cheer over the square but it was after midnight so they were off. Callum strode past it, ignoring Ben’s cries behind him, ripping Ben’s hand off his coat when he caught hold, the force causing Ben to fall backwards on the glistening road. Callum carried on, tears streaming down his face. He ran up the stairs to his bedsit, fumbling for his keys in his pocket. He could that hear Ben was close behind him and he wanted to get through the door before he reached him.

“Please, Callum, hear me out.”

He shut the door on Ben’s voice.

Letting himself into the flat, he drew the curtains and sank onto the bed, allowing his heartbreak to swamp him, crying harder than he ever had in his life.

He must have fallen asleep because he was woken by an insistent knocking on the flat door. Glancing at his alarm clock, he saw it was just after four. For a moment he couldn’t work out what was happening – the knocking was on the door to his flat not the building door - then he realised it must be Kush, his neighbour from the bedsit upstairs who had fallen on hard times and was working three jobs, the first requiring him to leave at four in the morning.

“Callum, it’s me, Kush. You need to open the door, mate,” a voice called from the other side of the door.

As he opened his door, an icy blast swirled in as Kush also had the door to the building open. He looked to where Kush was pointing. It was Ben, curled up, awake but motionless on the top step.

“D’ya need some ‘elp getting’ ‘im inside?” asked Kush. Callum pulled Ben to standing and it seemed he could just about walk.

“No, I’ve got ‘im,” he insisted. Kush was peering at him, obviously unconvinced. “We had an argument,” explained Callum. “I shut the door on ‘im. I didn’t know he was gonna stay there all night.”

“Have you got a thermometer?” asked Kush. Callum nodded. “So if he’s low thirty-fives, or below that, call an ambulance. Otherwise, take his clothes off – they’re damp - and keep ‘im warm in bed, give ‘im a hot drink.” Callum nodded and Kush left, not without hesitation. He didn’t think Callum looked all that well.

Once inside, Callum turned on the heater and stripped Ben, redressing him in joggers, a sweatshirt and a hoody. Ben was much shorter than Callum with slimmer hips and legs and the clothes drowned him. After taking his temperature and seeing it was almost normal, Callum led him to the bed and lay him down, covering him up with the duvet. He made hot chocolates and placed them on the bedside table, finally getting into bed behind Ben and holding him close.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Ben, backing into Callum as much as he could.

“So you should be,” scolded Callum softly, keenly aware of Ben’s fragility. “It’s freezing out there. You could have ended up in hospital.”

“Not about that,” said Ben quietly.

Callum didn’t want to talk about it. They lay for a few minutes, spooned tightly together.

“I want you to drink that hot chocolate,” instructed Callum, wanting to make sure he had done everything Kush had said. “Get something warm inside you.”

Ben heaved himself to sitting, handed Callum a cup, got one for himself and drank obediently. When they had both finished, he took Callum’s empty cup, put both cups on the bedside table and lay down again, pulling Callum down with him, this time facing him.

“Please let me speak,” he pleaded. “An’ let me finish.” Callum didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear it because he knew it might mean the end of him and Ben and the thought of that was destroying him. But this was where they were and he knew he had to let this conversation run its course.

“Okay. I’m listening.”

“I know you say it doesn’t matter if we never have sex,” said Ben, getting straight to the point, “but that’s only true if we don’t want it. And we do want it. We both want it … … I know I’m the problem. So I thought, if I could just get over this hurdle, we could move on. The thought of sex makes me panic and I don’t want that to be how we are together, so I thought if I did it with someone else, to get that first time over with, to make myself see that it’s not scary …” He paused for a moment, putting a finger against Callum’s mouth to signal that he wasn’t finished. “I wasn’t sure how much time I had left before you pulled away completely. I can feel you pullin’ away. It felt like there wasn’t long. But … … I haven’t even set up my profile. You can look at ma ‘phone. The thought of doin’ it with someone else was … I don’t know … I couldn’t stand it. But I want us to ‘ave amazin’ sex, Callum. I want to be everythin’ you want.”

Callum could not make sense of it.

“You thought a hook-up would make it less scary?” he asked. Was Ben really that big an idiot?

“I knew I’d hate it but, yeah, I thought it might make me realise it wasn’t scary. That I’d be alright.” Ben scoured Callum’s face wondering if he understood. He didn’t.

“That doesn’t make any sense, Ben.”

“Yeah, okay, it obviously didn’t make sense to me either ‘cause I didn’t do it.” Callum smiled at that and Ben crumpled with relief, offering a tentative smile back.

“I’m sorry you feel I’ve been pullin’ away,” said Callum, pulling him a little closer. “I’ve found the sessions with Brendan upsettin’. It kills me to think of you bein’ hurt. But I’ve been thinkin’ … let’s go together. I reckon that would ‘elp us more.”

“Couples’ therapy and we ain’t even married yet,” joked Ben, thinking it was an excellent idea. They would be together looking for a joint solution; his hopefulness was boosted.

Yet, heard Callum.

+++

Callum was buoyed by the first joint session with Brendan. Their commitment to finding a way through the issues had shone brightly. Even Brendan seemed more positive. Callum didn’t see that it was actually him and Ben being more constructive; Brendan had been as neutral as ever.

He was especially excited about Christmas. All of his gifts were beautifully wrapped and he couldn’t wait to deliver them. He was going over to the Beales’ on Christmas Eve and would be waking up there on Christmas morning with Ben, Lexi and Lola, Kathy, Bobby and Peter. Kathy had told him he wasn’t allowed to make Christmas breakfast.

“Let me cook fer you,” she’d said, seeing the sparkling gratitude in his eyes and warmed inside by his enthusiasm. She was looking forward to this Christmas more than any she could remember.

He and Ben decorated the bedsit and the night before Christmas Eve, they lay entwined on the small sofa with Christmas lights twinkling around the small space. They’d been kissing for the last hour and, bit by bit, all clothing had been removed and now they were rubbing their erections together, something new for them, and were both gasping with the deliciousness of it.

“Told you we’d be good together,” murmured Ben.

“Stop talkin’,” gasped Callum, his mouth suddenly dry and his head whirling. They carried on, relaxing and letting themselves enjoy it. Then Callum trailed his fingers down Ben’s side until they circled his hips and felt him respond with a slight twitch. “Enough?” he asked gently. Ben nodded and Callum immediately gathered him in for a hug.

“I loved that,” he said.

“Yeah, me too,” agreed Ben, then pulled back to look at Callum directly. “I really loved it. So,” he took Callum’s hand and placed it on him, holding his own hand over the top, “let’s carry on. Please.” Callum didn’t need any encouragement. His boyfriend was about to get the best hand job of his life.

Having somebody intent on pleasuring him stirred Ben. He felt something of his old self returning and decided he could return the favour. It was intimate and full of love, so far away from his experiences in prison that, for once, they didn’t come into Ben’s mind.

Afterwards, they lay together blissfully, knowing that they were getting to where they wanted to be.

+++

Christmas morning was everything Callum hoped it would be. To be fair, his hopes were simple. He wanted to be with the man he loved and the people who were the nearest thing to family for him, and he hoped his gifts were appreciated. He got so much more: he was surrounded with love, everybody was delighted with his gifts and he experienced the care and attention that had gone into making him happy, giving him thoughtful presents and making him feel welcome.

Kathy treated him like the guest of honour making all of his favourite things for breakfast.

“You made ginger biscuits for breakfast?” checked Bobby, examining the spread on the table.

“Callum LOVES ginger biscuits,” asserted Kathy, looking questioningly at Callum.

“Yeah, I do,” smiled Callum. “But you are the first person ever to make them for me.” He put his arm around Kathy and kissed her cheek. “It means a lot. I can’t explain how much. Thank you!”

Peter groaned. “It doesn’t matter how grateful we are for our presents. NOTHING is gonna match that thank you.” Bobby, Ben and Lola all forlornly nodded their agreement.

“Well, you should try,” preached Lexi, dancing up to Kathy and giving her a big hug around the waist. “Thank you Nanny, this is the BEST Christmas breakfast ever!”

“Oh my god,” muttered Lola to Ben. “Did we really raise such a little actress?”

The morning carried on with exchanging presents. Lexi loved everything and Callum was enthralled with her delight.

“You gonna open yours?” asked Ben, appearing on the sofa by Callum’s side. “This one’s from me.” His face looked so young and so hopeful that Callum’s heart melted and he kissed him warmly. “And that’s before you’ve opened it. Promising!” crowed Ben. Callum opened the parcel to reveal a Wonderwoman t-shirt. Everybody looked at it unable to comprehend that this was what Ben had decided on as the perfect gift for Callum.

“How is that a good present?” asked Peter, voicing everybody’s thoughts.

“It absolutely is,” said Callum, pulling it on and smiling softly at Ben. He knew what it meant. Their first evening together. That or Ben had finally accepted his taste in clothes and was adding to his collection of super-hero t-shirts. “You opened mine?” Ben picked up the beautifully wrapped offering from Callum.

“Seems a shame to spoil the wrapping,” he laughed, opening it nonetheless, undoing the ribbon and removing the paper to reveal a slim box inside. With an intrigued glance at Callum, he opened the box. “Oh yes!” he exclaimed, as he read the sheet of paper inside. “Six! And dinner and a night in a hotel!” He climbed on Callum’s lap and kissed him deeply. “Can’t wait,” he whispered.

“Daddy, you’re squashing him,” scolded Lexi. “Get off him!” Ben moved off Callum’s lap with a big, sulky face making everybody laugh.

The morning rated as one of Callum’s best ever and was over far too soon as he and Bobby headed over to the restaurant to start the preparation for the dinner. Iqra, Frankie and Keegan were already waiting when they arrived. They rarely ran a service with the full team and Callum felt a buzz of excitement as they all donned their whites.

“Happy Christmas guys,” he grinned and went through the order of the day, assigning tasks and giving explanations as required. As they got started, he went to check on the Peter and Jay, then, happy that they had the Christmas cocktails ready to be made for the buffet, he went to talk to the waiting staff who had just arrived.

“So, the plan is that we open the door, assist with the buffet for the first hour, the bar will do the same, Bobby will drop off the soup kitchen boxes, then we make sure that everybody is seated and knows how to help themselves. Then we shut the door and we all sit down for Christmas dinner. Bernie, I know you and Keegan are going home. I’ve put together a hamper for ya so don’t forget to take it. Same fer you, Whit, Tiff. The third one is Frankie’s. The rest of you, we’re gonna be at the long table near the bar and, today, Ben and me are gonna wait on you.” Ben did a little curtsey for their friends, smiling bewitchingly. Callum had never loved him more.

They had taken bookings for the dinner, knowing that they had a limited number of seats. Callum had been amazed at the time that all of the available seventy-two seats were booked in less than a day. Now it was time to open the door, he felt another buzz of excitement.

“Okay, Rubes. Let’s go. I’ll be in the kitchen.” He walked back through the restaurant, proud to his core of his team.

All was well for the first fifty-five minutes. The kitchen team were finishing off the family and friends dinner, Kathy and Lexi had arrived and were busy decorating the long table, and almost all of the solo guests had arrived and were sitting in tables of four getting to know each other. All of a sudden, Ben flew into the kitchen in a panic. He grabbed Callum.

“Dad’s here!” he blurted. Callum looked through the window into the restaurant and saw a short, bald man with a very, red face talking to Lexi, Lola hovering anxiously nearby.

“What do you want to do?” asked Callum, stroking Ben’s face to calm him. Kathy arrived in the kitchen.

“Phil’s here,” she said worriedly. “And Lexi went to talk to him. Lola tried to stop her. What’re we goin’ to do?”

Ben and Kathy looked at each other, clearly stuck for ideas. Callum watched them and, after a few seconds of inaction, he took charge.

“Right,” he said decisively. “Phil is obviously on his own for Christmas. He doesn’t deserve to be part of our family and friends dinner but we’re better than that. He joins us.” Kathy and Ben looked at him in shock. “Okay?” They both nodded and, after a moment’s pause, Ben left the kitchen, Callum close behind him, and approached Phil.

“Dad. This is Callum, my boyfriend,” introduced Ben. “We’re hosting Christmas dinner for our family and friends. We … er, we want you to join us.” Phil looked at Callum then at Ben. They returned his scrutiny but he was impossible to read. Lexi sealed the deal.

“Come an’ sit with me Grandad,” she urged, getting hold of his hand and pulling him towards the long table.

Lola was highly agitated by now and pulled Ben to one side.

“Are you sure about this?” she hissed. “Lex hasn’t had anything to do with him for two years. I told her that he should have gone to prison, not you. She’s gonna say somethin’, Ben. Ya know what she’s like.”

She was absolutely right to be concerned. Ben and Callum were busy bringing out the dinner when Lexi took aim.

“Why didn’t you tell the police it was you who did the robbery, Grandad? You could’ve stopped Daddy goin’ to prison.” The table fell silent. What was Phil going to say? He couldn’t lose his cool with Lexi.

“They only caught yer dad,” he mumbled, making sure not to look at Ben.

“Daddy only went to the robbery so’s you didn’t get hurt,” persisted Lexi, fixing him with an angry glare. “It was not right what you did. You’re ‘is dad and you’re supposed to look after ‘im.” Phil made a growling noise but had nothing else to say. Lexi turned away from him and concentrated on chatting to Kathy on the other side of her. She’d made her point. After making sure all the food was served, Callum and Ben sat down at the end of the table with Phil and Lexi.

“My own granddaughter don’t know me no more. Are you gonna bring ‘er to see me in future?” Phil asked Ben. Ben was staggered. His own impression was that Lexi had a very good understanding of Phil. The way she had taken down her errant grandad filled him with pride.

“I … er … will think about it. Lola and me will decide.” Phil stared at Ben then carried on eating. Ben looked at Callum, opening his hands as if to question Phil’s behaviour, and Callum decided something needed to be said.

“Mr Mitchell,” he said, reaching for Ben’s hand and holding it firmly. “What’s important ‘ere is that you leave Ben out of your … schemes. Nothin’ changes until we’re certain of that.”

Phil regarded him coolly. “Ben not talkin’ for ‘imself?”

“Course I am,” retorted Ben. “But yer not in the ‘abit o’ carin’ what I say. Fer the record, Callum said it exactly right. I’m not gettin’ involved with yer shit. But I’m ‘appy yer ‘ere with us today. It was Callum’s suggestion so maybe start with bein’ grateful fer that.”

Phil relaxed. “I’ll take that,” he said, smiling at Lexi who had turned to listen to the exchange. “You work ‘ere?” he asked Callum as though they were starting again and he was getting to know him. It was surreal.

“I’m manager while Ian’s away. I’m head chef.”

“Grub’s good,” commented Phil. Callum took it as a compliment, glancing at Ben and seeing a face full of disbelief. Ben was gobsmacked by Phil’s nerve.

As everybody finished eating, Callum and Ben disappeared into the kitchen, clearing away dinner and getting on with preparing pudding.

“You know he’s dangerous, don’t ya?” said Ben, getting hold of Callum for a sneaky cuddle. “But, that was hot, you warnin’ ‘im off like that, swoopin’ in ta defend me ‘onour.”

Despite Phil, the Christmas dinner went even better than Callum had imagined. The solo guests were universally appreciative; many said that they usually dreaded Christmas but the dinner had made the day a whole lot less lonely.

As they were finishing up, one old man ventured up to the long table and stood at the end, leaning on his stick. Callum instantly jumped up and got him a chair.

“You’re in charge, son?” asked the man. Callum recognised the bearing of an old soldier.

“Yes sir,” he smiled. “Callum Highway.”

“Arnold Maberley,” said the man, holding out his hand. Callum shook it firmly. Arnold turned to Ben and held out his hand.

“Ben Mitchell,” offered Ben, unsure if he should copy Callum and address this small, stately man as ‘sir’.

“Is this your family?” asked Arnold, clearly asking Ben.

“Yes. Callum’s my boyfriend and we’re doin’ Christmas dinner for our friends and family.”

“Where’s your family, son?” This time Arnold was addressing Callum.

“I … er … don’t have … well, I do but … I don’t see ‘em.” Callum didn’t like admitting to Arnold that his family life had been unsuccessful.

“You remind me of someone,” said Arnold, scrutinising Callum’s face. “He was in the army with me. Frank Longwood.” Callum’s eyes popped wide open and a prickle ran over his skin.

“My grandad,” he whispered. “You knew my grandad?”

Arnold nodded. “I wondered. I saw ya when I came in to book my Christmas dinner an’ I wondered. Frank would have been proud to see ya today, doin’ yer good deeds, part of a lovin’ family. He can’t give ya a Christmas present, God rest his soul, so I’m goin’ ta.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, neatly wrapped box. He slid it across the table towards Callum. “It’s worth somethin’ so get a proper valuation.”

“Happy Christmas, Arnold,” said Callum, grasping his hand warmly, much more interested in the man than the gift. “Thank you for the present and … please come back. Come in, have lunch with me, whenever ya like. Call and find out when I’m on.” Arnold’s face lit up at the offer.

“Well, son, I think I will,” he smiled, rising from his chair. “Happy Christmas, Callum. And you Ben.” He looked carefully for a long moment at Ben. “Take care of each other,” he said with another smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to stick to EE characters for this fic but I couldn’t help myself. I do like creating OCs. Hope you liked Arnold.


	10. Home

Arnold’s gift was a piece of jewellery, a brooch, dominated by a pink jewel in the centre.

“What comes in pink?” wondered Ben, as he, Kathy and Callum were examining the piece.

“Sapphires maybe,” replied Kathy. “I’m not sure. They’re usually blue but I think they can be pink. I don’t want to be rude, but, as a piece of a jewellery, it’s a bit … er … strange.” Ben laughed at her.

“She means ugly,” he said to Callum.

“No, I don’t.” She scowled at Ben’s disbelieving face; she did think it was ugly but she didn’t want to criticise. “Ben, I do not. It’s of its time. People don’t wear pieces like this any more.” She turned to Callum. “Are ya gonna sell it?”

Callum nodded. “It’s what Arnold wants, I think. But … I’m not sure how I do that? How d’ya sell somethin’ like this?”

“Arnold said to get it valued,” remembered Ben. “So take it up to Hatton Garden.” He got out his laptop and started searching. A phone call later, an appointment had been made at a jewellers in Hatton Garden for later in the week.

+++

A few days later, Callum was back at the table in the Beales’ house, sitting again with Kathy and Ben. He was in shock and for a few minutes he couldn’t get the words out and stared bewildered between the two of them. Ben held his hand and rubbed reassuring circles with his thumbs on the top of Callum’s hand. Eventually, Callum told them how much the brooch was worth and it was their turn to be rendered speechless.

“It’s a pink diamond, not flawless but close, so it’s really rare.” Callum looked at Kathy and Ben, both still stunned. “I need to talk to Arnold. I want to make sure he knows how much it’s worth. I’m gonna give it back if he wants it back.”

“What if he insists you keep it, love?” Kathy had a feeling Arnold would do this; she had an inkling that the old soldier had known exactly what he was doing giving the brooch to Callum. Had he done it because he’d known Callum’s grandad? Kathy’s instinct was that there was more to the story.

“So, if that’s what he wants, it’s complicated. Might need to prove ownership. And the valuer said there might be tax to pay. But I don’t want to think about that until I’ve talked to Arnold and I don’t know how to contact him.”

“Let me put out some feelers,” suggested Kathy. “I know a few oldies. Someone is going to know him.” She went off to make calls.

+++

It turned out that Arnold had a spacious flat not far from the Square and Ben and Callum arrived there one afternoon having arranged to visit him for tea. The first thing they spotted as they entered the light-filled living room was a framed birthday card from the Queen given pride of place on a side table.

“You’re one hundred!” exclaimed Callum. He and Ben both looked interestedly at the precious card; neither of them had seen one before. Arnold was unmistakably old. First of all, he was tiny, with almost translucent skin. Then there was the fact that he walked slowly using a stick to help him. And his voice was soft and slightly wavering. His keen eyes, however, were a clue to his mental acuity. There was nothing faded about his intelligence and it gave him the semblance of not being that old at all.

“Almost one hundred and one,” said Arnold proudly. Callum showed him the cake they had brought with them.

“Home-made!” approved Arnold, eyes lighting up at the Victoria Sandwich. “And my favourite!”

“Yeah, I made it,” smiled Callum. “I thought it might be one that you’d like.”

Arnold’s flat was spotlessly clean and tidy at the same time as being homely and comfortable. It was remarkable that he was looking after himself so well given his age. He made his way to a stout, wooden cabinet with glass doors that held fine bone china, and dragged a huge tray from behind it. He balanced the tray on a table nearby and proceeded to get out tea plates, cups and saucers, a small jug and a teapot, putting them all on the tray.

“Sit down here, Callum,” he directed, pointing at an inviting, old-fashioned sofa with freshly plumped, well-filled cushions. “Ben, you carry this and come and help me in the kitchen.” He indicated the tray to Ben and shuffled away. Ben smiled at Callum before obediently following Arnold.

In the kitchen, Arnold prepared the tea tray. He started by putting a whistling kettle on the hob. Ben had never seen one before and was delighted by the noise as the water came to the boil. The cake was placed on an ornate glass plate pulled out of one of the kitchen cupboards. Arnold rooted around in a drawer and found a cake slice, then went in another drawer and retrieved cake forks. All of these were handed to Ben to put on the tray. The plates and cups and saucers were carefully arranged leaving space for the teapot and the milk jug. Ben watched him, fascinated with the ceremony of it all. Arnold smiled at him.

“You’ve got an old soul, Ben,” he said cryptically and laid a papery hand on his cheek. Ben was charged by the touch; it was as though something ethereal and magical had passed through him. He carried the tray through to the sitting room and placed it onto the coffee table, sitting down next to Callum as Arnold lowered himself into a large, upright armchair.

“How long have you lived here, Arnold?” asked Callum.

“Seventy-five years,” answered Arnold, chuckling at their amazement. “It suits me perfectly,” he explained. “It always has. It cost me less than a thousand pounds to buy it in nineteen forty-seven. Bet that’s somethin’ you boys can’t imagine.”

“No, you’re right about that,” agreed Callum. “A flat like this would cost an easy half mill. It’s why Ben lives with his mum and I’m in a bedsit.”

“The diamond brooch – have you had it valued?” asked Arnold. “That could help you get started.”

“It’s the reason I wanted to see you, Arnold.” Callum was grateful for the natural entry into the subject he wanted to discuss. “I have had it valued. It’s worth more than you probably realised.” He told him the valuation and Arnold simply nodded, looking between them with bright, pleased eyes. Ben and Callum looked at each other confused.

“It’s worth …” Ben started to repeat.

“Yes, I ‘eard ya,” interrupted Arnold firmly. “Is it enough to buy you a house? I was hopin’ it was enough to buy a house.”

“Arnold, you don’t know me,” protested Callum. “You can’t give a stranger such a valuable thing.”

As Kathy had suspected, Arnold was insistent that Callum sold the brooch and kept the proceeds.

“It’s mine to do what I want with and this is what I want to do with it. Ya see boys, I never married an’ I don’t have any other family.” He paused. “I never married,” he repeated, and looked at them oddly. For a few minutes, he was clearly lost in time as a faint smile danced on his face. “Frank, yer grandad, was the love of my life,” he admitted. His eyes glistened with the tears of precious memories. Ben and Callum both felt a surge of love for the old man. He carried on. “And he loved me … but it was not a time for that.” Taken aback once again by how much Callum resembled his Frank, he surveyed the two men in front of him and gave silent thanks that it was easier for them to love each other. “It’s important to me to do this for you, Callum,” he said. “You’ve got to let me.”

“Of course,” Callum reassured him. His nan had left his grandad before Callum was born and there had never been any other lady friends. Maybe this was the reason. “It’s definitely goin’ towards a home. And you’re goin’ to be the first visitor.” Arnold’s smile widened and he chuckled to himself.

They spent the time after that finding out more about Arnold. He’d worked on the buses after the army and had many amusing stories to tell. They talked about his army service, hearing his tales of world war two, Callum hanging onto the snippets about his grandad. He found out that Arnold and Frank had stayed friends until Frank’s death thirteen years earlier. Time flew as they listened to the reminiscences.

“Right then,” said Arnold eventually. “Callum, it’s your turn in the kitchen. You can do the washing up. Ben can keep me company.”

When Callum had moved into the kitchen, Arnold leant forward and reached for Ben’s hand.

“I know what it looks like, son, when someone has been through unspeakable things. It looks like you.” His sharp eyes locked on Ben’s. “You’re going to be alright, Ben. It takes love and you’ve got people who love ya. Especially ‘im in there.” They both smiled as they listened to Callum singing in the kitchen. “But the most important love, the one that’s goin’ to make the difference, is the love you ‘ave for yerself. Work on that, son.”

“I will,” promised Ben.

+++

Callum left the brooch in the care of an auction house. It would be a month until it came up for sale and he didn’t want to think about it until it was all over. There were going to be taxes to pay and he was advised to keep money aside as there may be additional taxes if Arnold died within the next few years. Of course, this was likely and he surprised himself with how sad this made him feel given the short time they’d known each other. Mentioning it to Ben, he found Ben felt the same.

“He saw right through me Callum, like he knew me,” Ben said, a little choked on emotion. “And he told me to work on lovin’ myself. It was like … he’s a guardian angel.” He looked embarrassed at the whimsy. “Or ya know somethin’ like that,” he mumbled. But Callum understood.

“No, I get it,” he reassured Ben, thumbing away the beginnings of tears. “It’s like he came out of nowhere and he’s there for us. Like an angel, you’re right.”

They decided they were going to spend plenty of time with the old man in the time he had left.

Callum didn’t want to pre-empt the sale of the brooch but he couldn’t help thinking about buying somewhere to live. The thing was that he didn’t want to leave the Square. It was home and it was where Ben was. Were they the same thing? Was home where Ben was?

“I’ll be sad to leave this place,” commented Ben one Monday morning as they lazed in bed at the bedsit. He had changed his days so that he now had Mondays off with Callum.

“You don’t live ‘ere,” Callum pointed out. “But yeah, it’s been a special place for us so I get what you mean. I won’t be sad to leave it, though. I want somewhere with central heating.” Part of the reason they were still in bed was that it was freezing in the flat and turning on the heater meant leaving the warmth of the bed.

“I can warm you up,” purred Ben, slipping beneath the covers.

Callum would never forget the first time he saw Ben, sauntering into the restaurant all in black, oozing sex appeal. He knew that it been a front at that time but now that confident, sexy swagger was real, it was making its way into their bedroom and Callum LOVED it.

Recovering himself after Ben’s attentions, he held Ben close to him, his fingers threaded through Ben’s hair.

“Ben?” he murmured.

“Yeah?” Ben looked up, fluttering his eyelashes seductively. “What can I do fer ya now?”

“Move in with me.” Callum had meant to introduce the idea slowly, get a sense of how Ben might feel about it and approach it carefully. Too late. Nervously, he watched Ben. Ben’s mouth dropped open, then he broke into a shy smile.

“Yeah? You serious? Ya mean it? Ya want me to live with ya?”

“Actually, what I want is for us to choose somewhere together and make it into our home. Yes, I want us to live together.”

“Yes!” exclaimed Ben, his eyes bright and his grin from ear to ear. “Yes. I just need to say yes, right?” Callum laughed at his excitement; it was infectious. They were holding each other’s faces now, eyes locked on each other, safe and secure with their love.

“Yeah, you just say yes.”

“Okay, yes. I’m in.” Ben immediately reached for his phone and downloaded a house search app. “So where’re we looking?”

+++

The next few weeks involved a lot of looking at the app but Callum was adamant that they didn’t start viewings until they had their money sorted out.

The brooch sold for a good amount over the valuation and after deducting the costs and taxes and putting enough in a savings account to cover possible further taxes, Callum was left with a little over half of what it made.

“I’ve got my savings as well,” added Ben, as they were heading to the café for breakfast one day. There were the first hints of spring around, leaf buds fattening up on the trees in the Square garden and early bulbs opening their blooms. Promise was in the air. “And mum is goin’ to give me some. Don’t object. She’s really insistent about it.”

“So we can get a nice one-bedroom flat,” said Callum, doing quick calculations, “or a shabby two-bed. Or, with a mortgage, we could get a small house, probably one that needs work.”

Ben’s face fell. That could be difficult for an ex-convict. “I can’t get a mortgage,” he said.

“That’s based on a mortgage that I can get.” Callum knew that Ben was struggling with the fact that his contribution was smaller. “Ben, I don’t wanna live by myself. I wanna live with you. Without this windfall from Arnold, that would probably have been in the bedsit or we’d ‘ave been buying a studio flat off your money and my mortgage. Now we can get somethin’ a bit better. But whichever way, it would ‘ave been me an’ you livin’ together.”

“I know you’re right,” said Ben glumly.

“Come on, Ben, look at us. We part-own businesses and we’re about to buy a home. In London. You’re twenty-six and I’m thirty-one.” Callum looked so proud that Ben had to laugh.

“You’re right,” said Ben, moving to stand in front of Callum and holding on to his coat, looking up at him adoringly. “I love you and I can’t wait to live with you. I just wish we were puttin’ in equal amounts.”

“We’re equals Ben. The money’s irrelevant.” Callum couldn’t understand why Ben was being like this but wanted to find a way to make him feel better. “Would it make you feel better if we split the house ownership according to how much we put in?”

“Rather than what?” asked Ben. He had assumed they would be splitting it according to how much they put in.

“Half and Half, which is how I’d prefer us to do it. To be honest Ben, I think Arnold would like that I’m sharing the windfall with you.” Callum and Ben visited Arnold at least weekly and Ben knew that Callum was probably right.

“Okay, let’s see what we can get,” said Ben, going back to their shortlist.

There was nothing in the listings that excited them and they were almost at the point of looking further afield when a further stroke of good fortune came along. Since her sister had moved out and she had split up with her long-term girlfriend, Iqra had been living in her uncle’s house by herself but now the family, needing money urgently, had decided to sell.

“It needs some refurbishment,” she apologised, seemingly of a view that Callum and Ben might not be interested in the house. “The good thing is that Masood is willing to accept a low offer for it if you can complete in six weeks. If you buy it, can you make sure I get your bedsit, Callum?”

Needless to say, they snapped her hand off. A three bedroom house on the Square for that price was an opportunity not to be missed. And six weeks later, they were in possession of the keys to their new home. Iqra had been amenable to them decorating and re-furnishing ahead of completion so all they had to do was open the door.

“Come on Dad, it’s raining,” complained Lexi, contemplating seizing the keys and opening the door herself. She wanted to see her new room. Nanny, next door but one, had also just redecorated her room in that house and hadn’t quite followed instructions. Lola was moving in with Isaac and Lexi had a room there as well, but she’d been told to put up and shut up about that room, so she was hoping that her dad and Callum had done better.

They had.

“This is perfect, Callum,” she squealed, giving him a squeeze around the waist.

“Er, I helped,” protested Ben, “a bit.” Callum had been keen to do the room exactly as Lexi had prescribed and had put in a lot of effort to get it right. It had touched Ben’s heart. He and Lola intended to share the care of Lexi equally so she would be living with him and Callum for half of the week. He didn’t know who was more excited about that, him or Callum.

As promised, their first visitor was Arnold who was beyond pleased.

“It brings me the greatest pleasure, boys, to have been able to help you with this,” he said, his pale, blue eyes filling with tears. It was true. He was completely delighted that his brooch had been transformed into this home for this wonderful pair, one of them the grandson of his adored Frank. He could not have wished for a better outcome.

Callum and Ben knew that Arnold would struggle with their living room furniture so they’d bought an armchair that he would be able to sit in.

“We’re hopin’ to see a lot of you,” said Ben, “so we got you a chair.” That was the tipping point. Arnold was already tearful but he lowered himself into the chair and the floodgates opened. Ben sat on the arm of the chair holding his hand.

“Yer a daft old bean,” he smiled as Arnold got himself back under control. “Now, are ya ready for tea? Lexi’s been baking.”

+++

A couple of weeks later, Callum woke to find Ben already awake. That was unusual.

“What’s up?” he asked, stroking Ben’s hair.

“It’s a year today since we met. D’ya remember it?”

“Do I!” exclaimed Callum. “Oh my god, you looked great. Black trousers, ankle length, and that tight black t-shirt. And the way you walked, oh yeah.” He lay back on his pillow and breathed deeply.

“Sounds like I ‘ad ya swoonin’,” bragged Ben, laughing. “Same fer me. I knew straightaway you were a piece o’ me.” Then he turned on his side to face Callum and was serious.

“It’s been an incredible year, my best ever. I was a mess when I got out. But you have been so patient, so kind, so lovin’. I got massively lucky meetin’ you. And now we have this fantastic home together and …” He stopped.

“And?” prompted Callum.

“This bit’s got no words,” murmured Ben, climbing on top of Callum. Their love-making felt like a constant gift to Callum. Ben had been right all those months ago when he’d said they would be good at it. They simply fit together. The euphoria, the intense orgasms, the post-coital intimacy – it was all mind-blowingly amazing. He hadn’t known it could feel this good. Ben frequently cried, saying it was because he was happy, but Callum knew he still had mental scars. Maybe he always would and that was okay.

“So what else are we doin’ for our anniversary?” asked Callum as they lay together afterwards, glowing from their exertions.

“What would ya like ta do?” asked Ben. “Where’s yer favourite place ta be?”

“Anywhere with you,” murmured Callum, holding Ben tight to him. He could never get enough of their closeness. “I think my favourite place is here, at home. Let’s just hang out here. I’ll make us a celebratory dinner.”

It wasn’t quite what Ben had in mind but he was determined to make it work. It was a beautiful, sunny, late April day and he made hot chocolates and put them on a tray with a vase with cut tulips from their tiny back garden and some homemade ginger biscuits he and Lexi had made. Pleased with the overall effect, he carried the tray into the garden where Callum was sitting, his back to the house as he faced the sun.

“I’m gonna make that spicy chicken pasta you love and red velvet cake. That’s yer favourite, isn’t it?” he called, turning and spotting Ben’s tray, his face lighting up with his huge, happy smile. Ben’s heart almost exploded. Callum was so loving, so generous. He couldn’t believe he had got so lucky.

Callum let Ben place the tray on the table and then pulled him onto his lap and kissed him, lightly at first and then more insistently. “I love you, Ben. It’s that special love I’ve always dreamed of an’ I can hardly believe I’ve found it.”

“I’m definitely yer special one?” teased Ben. “Not sure if yer makin’ it clear enough.” He slid off Callum’s lap and sat on the chair next to him, holding his hands and staring at him with intense eyes.

“What?” laughed Callum. “What else d’ya want me to say?”

“Yes,” said Ben, as his eyes turned hopeful and he held onto Callum’s hands just that little bit tighter. “Just say yes … Callum, will you marry me?”

Impossibly, Callum’s smile widened even further and his eyes became a shimmering blue with tears of happiness.

“Yes.”


End file.
